In the making.

It isn't very often that I focus on the negatives, in myself or in others, but right now that's what I'm going to do. Ask anyone, I'm known for being incredibly reluctant to point out bad traits in anything or anyone, no matter how bad they may be. Moony usually says I'm full of shit when I try to defend somebody when that person clearly doesn't deserve defending, and she's probably right.

But it has to be said, I'm a hypocritical coward. Nobody is perfect, after all.

I spend so much time believing that people should be themselves. No apologies, no regrets. Hell, my entire philosophy is that you know what's best for you, so you have to do it. You do you.

But when it comes to me, I can't do it. I can ask my school to change my name, I can speak to my friends and stand in front of a class to talk about being trans* and ask for awareness, but when it comes to my own family, the people I've known all my life, I can't do anything about what they say.

Moony called it abuse once, verbal and psychological abuse. To be honest, I'd never considered it could count as that, but then I realised that's what a lot of kids/people who get abused probably think. My therapist agreed with her. I'm not really used to any other family life, so it's the norm for me. When I see Moony's family I'm struck by how everyone hangs out with each other, and how her brother comes and visits even when he doesn't live there, or they hang out in the kitchen. I've never had that, and that's a shame, but it's made me determined that my own kids won't ever have to feel like that.

My friends are all aware of the 'this week on how my family sucks' imaginary show that I update every Monday with events over the weekend, but I only ever just stand and take whatever they have to say. I stay silent, I nod, I piss them off because my only reactions are nodding and 'yes, I know' in varying degrees of frustration as I wait to be excused.

However, I finally made a step a few months back. I got my name-change papers. I paid £54 for everything I needed, and got my friend in Norfolk to sign as a witness because you have to be over 18, and Zed's mum turned down my request because she supports me but doesn't want to go against my parents. Admirable.

I am legally Lorcan Peter [first name removed]. The papers actually say I have to refuse everything to do with my old name. So I'm breaking the law by answering to it when my parents call it out. Dredd would probably throw me in iso cubes overnight or something.

And my parents don't know. My bank doesn't know. I haven't told anyone that actually needs to know except my school, and watching my name change on the register made me cry.

Me and Moony are going to tell them in a few weeks, when she visits. I'm terrified, really, of what they'll say when she's gone. But I've done it, I can't go back. I'm not changing my mind, no matter how much they go on about how I'm just a kid and I don't know what I want.

The human mind is developing until the age of 25-26 or something, and that is the time it will mature, if ever. So yes, my thoughts and ideas will change as I grow up, but this has been a part of me all my life. And I've known my identity since I was 14, and all that's happened is I've become more sure of it.

More sure that every time I hear 'she' directed at me I tense up, and that if I were happy with my given gender, that wouldn't be the case.

Maybe one day they'll see that.

But back to the topic at the start, about how cowardly I am sometimes: I've been writing this post since July. And it's only now that I've felt brave enough to post it. I only just decided to hell with it, because it feels like saying it here, on the line, it makes it a little more official. And while I'm terrified about how my family will take it, I get giddy whenever I look at the papers. I did the right thing. It was worth almost completing the form 20 times before I finally just did it, worth the stressed tears and freak-outs Moony probably remembers.

Because this proves I'm serious. I'm doing this. My old name was nice, but it wasn't me. This is.