Post from the past. I'd estimate this around early September. I completed it today, and it seems a shame to start a post and never publish it. Especially since everything I was saying is still appropriate. So have a look at my past, today! It's like time travel but not very interesting.
I made the mistake of telling my dad my exam grades this evening.
My best friend and my partner were both out and unable to talk, leaving me to occupy myself by catching up with my dad for the first time since I got back.
As I should have foreseen, he told me to knuckle down into my studies this year. That much I can agree with. I mean, I am going to University next year, that much is decided, but the choice of Uni depends on how good my grades are, and I'm not about to let Brighton slip through my fingers.
The only thing I have to argue against is the fact that he assumed I didn't really care about my studies last year. That my hobbies and obsessions came first and studies were like the secondary, when they should obviously be primary.
This is because back in my previous school before sixth form, I would never have got a D grade, much less an E, which I got both of (as well as an A and a B, so it's not all terrible). If they asked me how my day was at that time, I'd have instantly launched into what I've learnt, how my friends are, how good my day was.
Now, when they ask, I don't really say much. I shrug, say it was alright, but that's about it.
Long story short, everything I have to say is about my transition, or some other aspect that either they don't know about or they don't care about. I'm regularly told they don't really care about my choices, these are all just observations to do with what I will.
They told me a year or so ago that they felt they were losing me, because I didn't tell them much, but I'm sure I'd be more open to conversation if I felt safe. I'm pretty sure media teacher knows more about my state of mental health than my parents right now. She said she wasn't sure about my name when contacting home, and I told her that it's fine, my name is legal now, and since I'm not actually allowed to answer to my given name by law, that she can use the right one. When she laughed in relief and said it's stupid that teachers are scared of parents, but it's a fact, I said it's fine, because I'm scared of them too. And sure, I threw it out with a tone of nonchalance, but I wasn't joking at all.
But then, that's my default, right? Like Jim Kirk, I cover my problems up with jokes.
But back to the point at hand, I can't really help getting the grades I am, because I'm not exactly having a grand home life, and it's pretty much fact that that affects your learning, because a lot of studying is done at home. Not to mention that the exams are getting harder, because last year I was competing with people that had at least a B or higher in the same subject as me, meaning they were already elite, and this year it's only the people from that exam that got through with a good mark. My family doesn't believe me when I tell them that a certain amount of U and F grades have to be given out, and it's all one bid to not be the kid that gets it, but they haven't been in the educational system for many years. I think I know what I'm talking about.
But I'm not going to get any grades unless I work for them, and I've only got the support of the people that aren't in the same house as me, so better shape up so I can ship out.
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