Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Free to be you and me.

In my English Literature class today, we were discussing Hamlet, and his many issues. I put forward the idea that Hamlet has a lot of feelings, and that's one of his strong points, because he's passionate, but just not always about the right things such as his mother. I suggested that with his father's ghost hanging over him, every joke intended, and sharing his name, he's become used to being told how to behave, what to do. That he isn't used to being his own person and isn't even sure how do it. I realised as I spoke that he doesn't realise who he is.

My teacher said it was brilliant, that Lorcan could go home and have a lay down, because he hit the nail on the head. He repeated my words, said 'he doesn't know who he is!! Do you know who you are, Lorcan? Well of course, you're Lorcan!' and I honestly answered 'not really, no,' because I'm not sure at all.

Mark, my teacher, said that's fine, he wasn't sure himself, and I still don't know if he was talking about himself or me, because he's in the English department, and I know my transition has been a topic of discussion. When I started his class I gave my name as Lorcan but it wasn't that on the register, and he didn't say anything, so I assume he knows.

But here's my main point, the reason I'm writing a post at nearly 1AM other than my remembered promise to do so daily and being held up by media work. I really don't know.

So I thought I'd take into consideration the things I do know about myself.


I'm trans*, in whatever way I feel like on the day. Queer, genderfucked, everything under the umbrella and none of it in equal measures.

I'm not planning to stick around with my family too long, if I can help it. I can't be totally certain about my uni yet, because things change.

I'm easily obsessed and led, and will always have a fondness for sci-fi and comic books, and musicals.

I'm in love.

I'm happy with my current name, and though I'm not happy being addressed at home by my given name, I am slowly finding peace with it. Maybe peace enough to one day admit it to people who've never called me by it. To suppress a flinch and shiver when people use it in connection to anyone else.

I'm unstable, and I'm not sure how to fix it yet, but I'm working on it, slowly.

I'm falling behind on coursework, slightly, because I have no real direction or purpose to it yet. But there is still time.

I  honestly love Shakespeare, and those plays and sonnets bring more enjoyment to me than should be healthy for a 17 year old, I'm sure.

I prefer Pepsi to Coca-cola, and I'm not ashamed of it. This is apparently a big deal according to my best friend, who almost defriended me on the spot.

I'm easier affected by other people than many assume. And I rarely stand up for myself when it comes to people who really matter in my life.

I form strong emotional relationships with characters and draw on them for strength. I may elaborate about this on another day.


Some of these are less serious, I'll leave them to you to decide. But when I honestly consider it, there's so little that I can be sure of on days where no pronoun quite sits right, when I can't see where my life is going and  I'm not sure where my place in my friendship group is because everyone has their best friend, and I have two, but they seem more valued, sometimes. This is no judgement on them, more on my own struggles.

As a first day of the month blog post, I feel like I did fairly well. But I should really sleep, because I already regret this tomorrow.

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