I'm fortunate enough to have never actually fallen pray to depression, or have been truly sad enough to consider it a mindset I was in. But what I'm feeling right now, it's maybe the closest I've got for a while.
I can't exactly tell what the problem is, only that whatever I do, at the moment, leaves me with a heavy feeling in my gut, a kind of longing and desolation that I can't shift, and it's been there since this afternoon, when I was heading back from my only lesson of the day at sixth form and felt a welling energy of frustration and helplessness.
Moony was texting me about work and her new coat, but then she stopped suddenly around 11 hours ago, and since her best friend is in town again, I can only assume she either went to hers, or she'd been working so long she was too tired to stay up, and fell asleep instantly. Either way, we've had limited conversation all day, and the lack of knowing why has left me scrabbling for footholes in my empty bedroom in England.
Ivan's in a bit of a bad place too, for various reasons, and although I managed to get him in a pretty good mood yesterday, happier than he's actually been for a long time, it seems to have shot down again, and I'm so sorry that I can't help him.
Moony will be here on Friday, so I want to get my coursework done by then. I have media work due on Wednesday, an essay to write in class on Thursday, and a first draft due on Friday that I only just got pointers on. Truly, I should have done that today, but I've been on the edge of tears since I got on the bus to come home, and I feel like I couldn't focus, honestly. Or perhaps I could, but I'd get limited sleep, and I don't have the energy for that considering I have a full six hours that I have to be in school tomorrow.
I listened to My Chemical Romance, because I thought it'd help me feel better, but instead I'm caught with a crippling sadness about how they broke up, and how far they came since their first album. I'm reading a Spock/Kirk fic, and they just got back to Iowa, and instead of being fully invested, I'm feeling a strange sense of homesickness, because I realised something strange.
I've never actually lived somewhere that I feel I can consider 'home'.
Think about it, right now, there's only one place I can honestly think of with utter happiness and a sense of knowing I belong, and that's the flat that Moony no longer has, back in Sweden, that I visited two years back. She moved out because her memories aren't happy, and it was too lonely for one person, but I only remember a weekend of watching movies, cuddling, listening to Kent, and basking in the fact that we were alone, entirely, and we weren't being disturbed. That little flat, with the weirdly shaped corridor, tiny kitchen, and bedroom/living room space, that was home.
I can even identify when I was there, because we watched the Sherlock season two finale together there, crying in the darkness with our 'Reichenbuddy' as tumblr had suggested we have, muttering at the screen.
Even thinking about how easy things were then is making me almost cry. Maybe I'd feel a little better if I could actually cry.
Things have changed a lot since then. I've admitted my identity, started transitioning, and things have become tense with my family, even if we're all pretending absolutely nothing is wrong. But something seriously is.
I didn't intend for this post to be so disheartening, but it's about all I can manage.
Maybe I'll read a bit more of the Trek book I have nearby, or a Dredd comic to cheer me up, even though it's late enough that I could consider sleeping.
It just seems like right now, more than anything, I long to get away from the life I have right now, just for a few days. I would love for the Doctor to burst into my room and say he needs my help, or for Starfleet to recruit me and take me for a quick spin around the galaxy, or to be thrown into Mega City One.
I just need a distraction. I need something that isn't this cage of a bedroom, that isn't close living proximity that's making me feel more stressed than I have been for a while. I need to be near people that accept me properly and don't make me feel weaker than I already do just by throwing the wrong mix of letters that make the wrong pronouns in my direction.
No comments:
Post a Comment