Don't be bored, be awesome.

Sometimes, it just feels like a really nice way to get away from school work, and trans* issues, and distract myself with nerdy, geeky stuff.

I recently discovered Geek & Sundry, which is a youtube based vlog community run by Felicia Day and honestly a world of fun, full of stuff for nearly every cool nerdy side of things from just talking about something to webseries, with a different set of vloggers on each day of the week and one mystery vlogger. 

There’s a girl who talks about comics, the latest out or the series that just ended, and a guy who talks about characters and why they’re so iconic. His episode about the Joker’s laugh is awesome, and I’m not even that into Batman. He’s just that good. And ‘two brokegeeks’ that gives tips on how to still love stuff without needing to spend too much money, and that reminds me, I should borrow my dad’s tablet and get a load of comic book apps.

It’s also the channel that hosts Wil Wheaton’s Tabletop series, where him and some guests play different tabletop games. And a 16Bit series called Outlands, where the ‘heroes’ are going around the universe, and their legit intention is to go to planets, destroy everything, and move on. It’s set out like you’re playing an old game, which is cool.

What I’m trying to say, really, is that this site has been endlessly useful to me, lately. Usually, I get caught on FTMTrans*tastic, which is a fantastic thing in itself, but it always leaves me either really happy or really restless about being trans*. Either way, it always puts it on my mind, makes me feel really strange. I guess being the only one in the house that’s actually interested in my mental wellbeing in regards to my gender has something to do with it.

But it’s been nice to be distracted by comic books again, to watch Wil mess around and suck at rolling dice. I’ve kinda fallen out of touch with that side of my life recently. Hell, I barely have time to watch shows now, and Moony’s well past finished with Heroes while I’m still only just on season 3.

It’s been very strange recently. I’ve got coursework to do, but I can’t find the angle to start on it. Honestly, I’m stressed by it all. I have to start the Wil Wheaton investigation but I’m not totally sure what I’m looking for any more.

My media project should probably get some work, since it’s like half of my grade this year. I’m going to compare Reboot Star Trek to the original series, so I guess maybe I should watch the new films and makes notes or something. Maybe I’ll do that tonight, to feel like I’m making some sort of progress in something.

And I want to apologise if this page seems to have a while back ground to the words. It seems to happen whenever I copy over work that I wrote in a word document, since I wrote this in a free lesson to pass time.

October plans.

For the past few years, I've made a valiant effort, or considered, doing NaNoWriMo or Script Frenzy.

The main goal is either 50,000 words in a month or 100 pages of Script respectively, usually in November/August or April.

This year, I won't be able to take part in National Novel Writing Month due to coursework and all those 17-year old problems relating to school and stress. But my best friend wants to write his novel, and he doesn't know if he'll have too much time with work and sleeping in November.

The whole point of writing in November, usually, is to create a feeling that there are thousands doing this, and it isn't just you struggling through the daily word count. You get pep talks, you can talk to other people and join forums.

But Ivan didn't really get to the word count last year because of various reasons, and that's obviously fine. The main thing that kept him going was that I was powering through, too. Now, I really want to read this story he has planned this year, and he wants to do it in October so he's still psyched for it and has the enthusiasm, so I've made a compromise.

Each day in October, I'm going to write a blog post on here. They'll never be as long as the NaNo daily count (1667 or something, in November) but they'll be there. This'll work as a form of encouragement because at least I'm still writing.

I really think this could be good idea, not just because I really want to read about a Chess/Star Trek Mirror!Verse crossover.

Writing on my blog is a kind of therapeutic, since I haven't spoken to my therapist in several months and this doesn't cost me money I can barely get together. It seems like a good practice to write on here every day. Even if it's just a few lines about how my coursework is doing. Though all things considered, I have a couple of themed posts I'd like a reason to work on.

So this is my sign that I want to do this, I want to do something productive that isn't totally pressing and important, and I want to read that fic, Ivan. This is my sign that will hopefully get me to do it because now it's out there, and I don't want to look like an idiot by not finishing what I start.

List 10 things.

In my classroom the other day, there was a homework on the board that I believe connects somehow to Private Peaceful by Michael Morpurgo. But it looks like year 7 work - that's around age 11/12 I think, for anyone out of England. It's been a while.

So the homework was to list 10 feelings or words that you feel explain your relationship with your family. I was a little shocked by the emotions I got on first impact, so I thought I'd play this game, see what I would write if that were my homework. See what my teachers would have to read.

1. Dysfunctional.

2. Untrusting.

3. Misunderstanding.

4. Wrong.

5. Tense.

6. Built on untruths.

7. One-sided.

8. Useless.

9. Out of my depth.

10. Out of place. 

Okay. I think what we can see from this list is that when I'm tired I get more honest, and that there's something seriously wrong with my family relationship.

I can't help but wonder what my teacher would say, like, if they'd take my aside and ask if I'm okay, if I need someone to talk to. Any maybe I do. I haven't spoken to Richard for months because I can't afford it and I thought I was fine, and my name has gone through, I'm fine there. Until I get through my GP sending me to a psychoanalyst or something, there's not much I can do.

I guess we'll see. There's a lot of time for all that. Sort of.

My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.

When I was a kid, me and my dad got into stargazing. We'd go out into the garden at about 4pm, because during the winter it was dark enough and I wasn't tired enough yet, and we'd spread out a cover on the small amount of grass, hot chocolate clasped in my hand like it was the only thing to stop me floating up into the atmosphere I didn't yet understand existed, before I realised gravity was the only certainty in life and I wasn't going anywhere. I must have been seven or eight years old, still in love with Peter Pan and not knowing what my future would hold.

He pointed out the usual, Orion, Ursa Major and Ursa Minor, Cassiopeia the Seven Sisters, the idea of two stars sometimes being so close that they almost look like one, and I thought that was so wonderful, that they were close enough to each other to merge entirely unless you didn't look directly at them, because they were so bright that when they were together you couldn't tell the difference. Like the Seven Sisters, you can't see all seven of them unless you look slightly to one side, because a few are so faint, because a few of them were too shy to stand being stared at. When I taught myself to stare to the side, I felt like I'd learnt the secret of the universe, and I was so proud that I didn't tell my dad how to do it, my own secret with the stars.

The night I realised there were stars beyond the stars, stars we could only see with the telescope he got and then there were still more that we wouldn't be able to see, I felt how small I was, and it was terrifyingly wonderful. This was before I even knew about Doctor Who and Star Wars, when I didn't realise how people have been fascinated by Out There.

He asked me if I could spot any constellations, and I'm sad to say I can no longer remember many of the names I learnt. But there's one; delphinus, the dolphin. One of the first nights, I pointed up to what looked like a sideways diamond with one star to one side, asking if that counted. I hadn't yet grasped the fact that constellations are made up, anyway. They're just a way to make sense of the mess above us and around us, to make us feel a little bit better about the fact that we're surrounded by things we don't yet understand, things we haven't explored. Maybe to make us feel a little less scared by it all.

Delphinus was named supposedly by a group of sailors. Their ship got turned over in a storm, or something. Or one of them fell out, I can't remember. But a dolphin caught them, carried them above the water. I'm reluctant to search it up again because I feel like it would ruin the story that made me feel safer when I looked up, so long as I could catch sight of that dolphin watching over me and sailors.

I would stare up at it all, and the first time I saw one moving I was convinced I'd imagined it. When I decided I wasn't, I was terrified. I thought we'd been spotted looking, that whatever it was would come and get me. Dad explained it was just a satellite, and that the same one would pass over that exact point in 90 minutes, because that's how long it takes to get around the world, and isn't that brilliant? Now when I look up, I wonder if it really is a satellite, or if it's something else, but it doesn't scare me any more. I know I'm just one person, and whatever it is doesn't care if I've seen it. Now, I believe it's the TARDIS, or the Enterprise coasting the edge of the sky until it can get back to it's own time, and I feel safe.

And when you look up at the milky way, the belt of so many stars it looks like a nightmare to a kid with issues concerning crows, you're staring out of the edge of this galazy. You're staring right up/down/into the unknown, the direction the Enterprise would boldly go so we didn't have to worry about it any more. If I stare too long I get dizzy on the idea that it just keeps going.

But the night I realised something could be looking back, my dad wasn't there to share it with me. I think it was because of Ivan, actually. He had this monologue from a story we played around with, my character standing with Sherlock on the crows nest of the Jolly Roger Reichenbach, sharing his coat and looking up from Neverland. They were inside a star, but that shouldn't be so weird to me now because so are we, in a way. What if there are other Neverlands, Sherlock asked in wonderment. What if there are versions of it in all those stars? What if we didn't just take the second star to the right and straight on til morning, but we took the first to the left, straight on til teatime? What if we're looking up, and something is looking right back.

Sure, it was written in a story, but I still wonder. I figured out alone that all those stars are suns, that all those suns have their own solar system. That space is forever expanding and one day it's going to reverse, to implode until everything that's ever existed or will exist is squashed into a single space the proportions of which our languages cannot even begin to name, and then the whole process may be repeated over.

I'd really like to find that speech, to print it out on my wall because it's been almost a year and I haven't forgotten and I want to read it until it's tattooed over my heart, reminding me that whatever I'm doing, whatever I feel and whatever scares me, there's probably someone out there keeping an eye on me.

When I get a kid, I'm going to take them to the top of a hill, with a blanket, some binoculars and a flask of hot chocolate, and I'm going to show them the stars. I'll show them the planets that are in sight, how you can actually see the rings of Jupiter if you look in a strong enough lens, how Mars actually shows bright red mixed with the blinding white reflection of the sun, how some of the stars we can see are long dead, and we're looking at the light it emitted back when dinosaurs were around, we're staring into the past like time travellers do, and I'm going to feel the amazement and excitement I did all those years ago as the knowledge fills my kid's imagination. I'll show them the very things that I've held close to my heart for years and I'll teach them about the dolphin that's kept an eye on me and all those adventurous sailors.

I'll show him the meteor showers, so many you can't possibly wish on them all as they caress the edge of the atmosphere and take your wishes back out into the universe, the closest thing to First Contact that I've ever witnessed, and I'll hold both the kid and my lover close under the blanket of dying suns like we're the only people left alive.

Old Sport!

For as long as I can remember, I've had a strong impulse to go out into rain when it's pouring. I only have memories of acting on this in any way since I moved to Dorset, but it seems a want I've had for a long time.

I have an image of being in another bedroom of the house that my brother now shares with his girlfriend, curled up on the windowseat with my arm hanging out into the hard rain, hand slowly going numb as the water hit it. It's one of the only times I feel truly alive around here.

Back in Sweden, there was some sort of storm that was so bad the trams stopped running, and the roads flooded. The front of the restaurant Moony works at is rounded with the logo across it, and it worked as some sort of waterfall, so if you stood on the glass of that area it was like being in a waterfall. It was so awesome that Moony and her colleagues, and the few customers, ended up crowding around the windows, taking photos, talking to each other about how weird it was that the sky seemed like 10pm rather than 11am.

I felt like I should try to prove to Moony's colleagues that I was a responsible young man, rather than the 15 year old pre-pubescent kid I know I resemble, so I kept myself together then.

Apparently it hasn't rained in this part of England for a while. I know, what a break in the stereotype. But this evening, out of fucking nowhere, there was sudden torrential downpour. Out of my window it looked like small slices of silver. I couldn't help but pull down my window and do what I always did, stick my arm out and just feel the weather.

-WARNING, GREAT GATSBY SPOILERS YONDER-

And something weird, that struck me as I looked out over the rooftops, to the glowing lights through the mist. That iconic symbol of Jay Gatsby looking out across the water, to the green light at the end of Daisy Buchanan's place. That light, as far as I can remember, symbolises his 'Murican dream. The life he wants with Daisy where everything is fine, and she's just across the water. But even once he has her, he can't stop staring out at the light, because he's started dreaming and hoping for something that reality can never fulfill. He's a hopelss romantic, a dreamer, and that's his downfall.

As I stared out at the white lights that suggest cars on a distant road through the mist and/or cloudbank, because both are sometimes possible here, weirdly, with my arm going numb and my hand freezing with the rainwater, I was reminded of it. I have so many aspirations and plans, but no way of knowing it'll all come true. I might just be hoping for too much. Like Gatsby.

So I guess I'm trying to say that I get where he's coming from, I sympathise with Gatsby and I'm hoping my Daisy Buchanan really is my transition and Starfleet Brighton Uni.

That's what I go to school for.

There are a couple of characters I always go to for inspiration when it comes to schoolwork, and I decided to write them out here, so that I can either come back to them later or, I don't know, maybe this blog will fulfil the secondary purpose with which it was created and actually help someone.

So here, in no particular order, is a 10 characters because otherwise this won't ever stop, and some reasons I adore the dedication they have to their work, most of which will probably be based upon fanfictions and loose canon, but that's just how I'm working right now. If I go off tangent slightly please forgive me, it's kind of late and I have a lot of pent up writing energy. Probably some spoilers for each series or story these characters are in, you have been warned here.

Sam Winchester. Sam is wonderful. His family business is killing demons and hunting things, but he decides to get away from all that and go to school. They moved around a lot growing up, so he never really had time to make friends, and both he and Dean had to get their act together each time, try to get as far in their studies as they could before they moved on, and his dad wasn't around much. But you know what, he was going to get into Stanford. He was going to Law school, despite how much it would cost, he was doing it. His brother and father don't want him to do it, but he does. He's one of the smartest kids I know. I'll include a little about Dean here because it isn't strictly work-based, but he looked after Sammy since they were both kids, and his dedication to making sure his little brother was alright, well above his own needs, is what I wish I could have in a brother. I'll always look up to Dean.

Harry Potter (and Remus Lupin?and everybody while we're at it). This was mostly because of Moony. I only recently discovered the Maurader era fanfiction, but I'm very glad I did. Both Harry and Remus have a lot to put up with in Hogwarts. Remus turns into a werewolf every 30 days or so and Harry is never actually allowed one year of normal life at Hogwarts, but they both get through it anyway. I feel so damn sorry for both of them sometimes, like, jesus christ I think school's hard as it is for me, Harry had to face 99 problems every single year. But with the help of their friends, they both manage, and I can't stop being impressed by that. Everyone in those years deserve medals.

Wesley Crusher (and Pavel Chekov). I'm going to go right out and admit I absolutely love Wesley Crusher. He's an important aspect of Star Trek: The Next Generation to me and a reason I fell in love with the series before I discovered my love for Data, and currently Riker. I love him enough that I'm using the actor that played him for my coursework this year. So both of these wonderful boys get to work in the Enterprise (Wesley in the Enterprise-D and Chekov in the original NCC-1701 for anybody that cares, which is probably nobody) before they even hit 18. Chekov is 17, and Wesley is probably like 13 or something when Picard is convinced to let him work, and he dabbles between piloting the fucking ship and working in engineering. Honestly, he pretty much solves the show every episode but the fans seemed not to like him. Being his age and wanting desperately to be in Starfleet, I can only see him as wonderful. As for Chekov, he's adorable as fuck and a goddamn genius. He can lock on to moving targets and beam them aboard, he can sneakily hide behind planetary moons, he can do anything except speak clearly into a microphone and recount realistic facts that don't somehow include Russia. Both of these boys had to work hard to get to their posts, and I'll never stop being amazed that Starfleet even allows that.

Stiles Stilinski. Also Isaac Lahey. Basically most of Teen Wolf except Derek Hale because what the hell does Derek even do in his spare time? But my main worry is for these kids. Stiles is getting through life without his mom around even his dad for a little while, not to mention he's the only one in the pack that's still human and has no special powers or skills. He does all the research and worries about his BFF Scott, and he still goes to school every day, they all do. I worry about how much time they spend in that building both in the day and at night, but I guess Beacon Hills isn't that fun anywhere else. Seriously, though, Stiles and Isaac had a lot of issues at home, aside from the alpha-hunting problems the whole pack has, and they're both doing so well. Isaac ended up living with Scott and probably falling slightly in love with him, but he's fine now. I think they all need more credit for not skipping days because they're so tired all the time.

Leonard McCoy. It is not a good idea to get me started on Leonard unless you have a lot of time and are willing for me to go off on tangents, but as far as his Academy life goes, that's what I aspire towards. Bones joined up to Starfleet after what seems to have been a pretty rough divorce with his wife, and his accent clearly isn't from around the Academy at all, so he's come pretty far up from Georgia. He's terrified of space travel and hella older than his fellow students, than Jim, but he goes for it, he becomes a senior officer and is the best damn doctor they've got. I have this really nice image of him in their quarters, in the evening or something, working through his papers and stuff, trying to ignore Jim's whining about going to bars or something. Though while we're on the subject...

James Tiberius Kirk. He completed a four year course in three, he cheated in the Kobayashi Maru, the text that Spock designed to be unbeatable. He cheated to win it, because he doesn't believe in no-win cenarios. His confidence, self-belief and ability to not give a crap about whatever happened before Starfleet is a major inspiration to me, and I think the legacy of his name speaks for itself because if there's any hard-working Captain out there, it's Jim Kirk.

My Moony. Okay, so she isn't actually a character, she's totally real. But I still count her as one of the most inspirational things/people I know. Despite having anxiety before she knew it's name, despite hating everything about the educational system and coming up against it time and time again, she kept going through each course she chose and taught me that even if you feel like something's going to kill you, getting it done makes you feel better. Unless it's murder or something, though we haven't actually tested that one. So although your last in the list, min lilla banan, you're by no means at the bottom of it. Bet you were getting all sad because I hadn't mentioned you much.


If it wasn't already obvious, I tend to write lists/appreciation stuff whenever I'm trying to avoid doing something but want to feel productive about it. This has been one of those times. Thanks for putting up with my rambles.

Advice for secondary Sixth Form/High School

This is partly exactly what it looks like, but it's first hand experience. If this helps even one worried kid, I'll be happy. As it is, I wish somebody had told me this one year ago. So while this may seem I'm talking directly to you, the stressed and worried little student staring at my page (just humour me and pretend there is one of those), I'm sort of talking to myself, too. This is just one of those things that you need to see written down to get anywhere near believing it.

Here's the secret. Try to work hard.

It really isn't as easy as it sounds, I know that, trust me. I've always been a good student, sure, and so have people around me, but stuff starts building up, and you need to try to keep on top of it. Especially if you have other things going on in your life, too.

However, here comes the part your parents aren't going to agree with.

Follow your heart. If you want to take a break and watch a TV series, go for it. If reading high school AUs to feel like your favourite characters are going through the same issues as you, hell, I can point you to some rec lists.

If you want a night out, or to curl up with your favourite book or movie alone or with friends, please, do that. If it's a bad day, and you're really not up to doing any work, and there isn't a pressing deadline, take the time out. You'll feel better about it later.

Also, make sure you have a kick-ass music collection to hand if you need it. Some people prefer to work in silence, and if that's you, fine, whatever helps, but if you want motivating music, try out your favourite soundtracks, things like Pirates of the Carribean, or Iron Man. Or music you know so well it's a comfort.

Whatever helps.

My dad told me to step down the obsessions, because that was all I spoke about at home, but you know what? That's what helps me. I watch Supernatural, Superhero movies, Doctor Who, fucking Star Trek, and I take inspiration.

Right now, it helps for me to climb into my Science Blue Trek uniform, at my desk, to do my school work. Because let's me honest, you couldn't get onto the Enterprise without a lot of hard work, and everybody who owns one of those uniforms is important, gets their work done.

Of course, maybe what you prefer is reading the Harry Potter books, watching the films, pretending you're just a few steps away from Hogwarts, if you can get through this. Or you're on some muggle-exchange program. I get into habits sometimes of keeping my copy of Quidditch Through The Ages near my pillow, reading through it to remind me that world is right there.

Hell, watch Glee and pretend you're in the same school, that they're all your friends. Anything at all.

It helps me to pretend I'm working towards Starfleet, that I'll shape up and ship out out as soon as I get through this year. But try explaining that to somebody that doesn't understand how you love things, and then problems arise.

This doesn't just apply to this part of life, though. I guess it works on all levels. Do whatever helps, whatever makes you happy, because your work will suffer if you aren't happy. One of my best friends pretends he's on Shore Leave until the Enterprise is back up and running, to get him through his job.

I've got a hard year ahead of me, year 13 is tougher than year 12, and right now all I have to do is plan a 2 minute talk about a book I read and read through a blog I'm going to use for coursework, but sooner or later I'm going to have to really knuckle down, and so are you.

So good luck. You do you. You'll be just fine. You're doing great. And there's always someone nearby that sympathises with you.