There's always something.

Things are good, today.

Yesterday, I got back my first draft of the Wil Wheaton analysis coursework, and by 11pm I'd finished redrafting it. We're supposed to spend a double lesson tomorrow doing that, but now I've cleared the space to do other things.

I've not felt so productive for a while now, and it made me realise that right now, at this point in time, I have literally nothing better to do than coursework, and that's really sad, but it's also really true. If I want to get out of here, to go on with my life, I'm going to have to work hard this year.

Doing work, reminding myself that I'm not quite so helpless as I feel like I am, it helps me out. This burst of enthusiasm is likely caused by the fact that I'm back into reading high school AU fanfictions, and I'm embarking on Twist and Shout, the most well known Supernatural fic surrounding Castiel and Dean Winchester. I'm barely half a chapter in, but it reminded me that all the characters I admire, they get their work done as best they can, and I should, too.

I completed another part of a long assignment booklet we were given, too. Since you're required to only do one every half term, it means I don't have to worry about that until next term, but that I'm probably going to have to put myself through Great Expectations over the holiday. I have a fondness for Dickens' work, but I'm not sure I'll find all the time that I'm in Sweden that's required to finish it. But then, I've got until the half term in February, really.

I promised myself I'd try not to fall behind, so this is me, pushing to get it right again.

My only issue is that on my UCAS University application form, I had to put my name and title, but my gender marker is unchanged, meaning I'm Mr Lorcan, but my gender is female, and the form doesn't understand. I've since realised that I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to change my name on all records. Is it simply enough to alert the NHS/hospitals? Do I need to write to the hospital I was born at, across the country? If anyone reading this knows how UK name laws work, I'd love to get a message.

I might try that trans* forum, see if people there know what I'm supposed to be doing.

That's what I go to school for.

There are a couple of characters I always go to for inspiration when it comes to schoolwork, and I decided to write them out here, so that I can either come back to them later or, I don't know, maybe this blog will fulfil the secondary purpose with which it was created and actually help someone.

So here, in no particular order, is a 10 characters because otherwise this won't ever stop, and some reasons I adore the dedication they have to their work, most of which will probably be based upon fanfictions and loose canon, but that's just how I'm working right now. If I go off tangent slightly please forgive me, it's kind of late and I have a lot of pent up writing energy. Probably some spoilers for each series or story these characters are in, you have been warned here.

Sam Winchester. Sam is wonderful. His family business is killing demons and hunting things, but he decides to get away from all that and go to school. They moved around a lot growing up, so he never really had time to make friends, and both he and Dean had to get their act together each time, try to get as far in their studies as they could before they moved on, and his dad wasn't around much. But you know what, he was going to get into Stanford. He was going to Law school, despite how much it would cost, he was doing it. His brother and father don't want him to do it, but he does. He's one of the smartest kids I know. I'll include a little about Dean here because it isn't strictly work-based, but he looked after Sammy since they were both kids, and his dedication to making sure his little brother was alright, well above his own needs, is what I wish I could have in a brother. I'll always look up to Dean.

Harry Potter (and Remus Lupin?and everybody while we're at it). This was mostly because of Moony. I only recently discovered the Maurader era fanfiction, but I'm very glad I did. Both Harry and Remus have a lot to put up with in Hogwarts. Remus turns into a werewolf every 30 days or so and Harry is never actually allowed one year of normal life at Hogwarts, but they both get through it anyway. I feel so damn sorry for both of them sometimes, like, jesus christ I think school's hard as it is for me, Harry had to face 99 problems every single year. But with the help of their friends, they both manage, and I can't stop being impressed by that. Everyone in those years deserve medals.

Wesley Crusher (and Pavel Chekov). I'm going to go right out and admit I absolutely love Wesley Crusher. He's an important aspect of Star Trek: The Next Generation to me and a reason I fell in love with the series before I discovered my love for Data, and currently Riker. I love him enough that I'm using the actor that played him for my coursework this year. So both of these wonderful boys get to work in the Enterprise (Wesley in the Enterprise-D and Chekov in the original NCC-1701 for anybody that cares, which is probably nobody) before they even hit 18. Chekov is 17, and Wesley is probably like 13 or something when Picard is convinced to let him work, and he dabbles between piloting the fucking ship and working in engineering. Honestly, he pretty much solves the show every episode but the fans seemed not to like him. Being his age and wanting desperately to be in Starfleet, I can only see him as wonderful. As for Chekov, he's adorable as fuck and a goddamn genius. He can lock on to moving targets and beam them aboard, he can sneakily hide behind planetary moons, he can do anything except speak clearly into a microphone and recount realistic facts that don't somehow include Russia. Both of these boys had to work hard to get to their posts, and I'll never stop being amazed that Starfleet even allows that.

Stiles Stilinski. Also Isaac Lahey. Basically most of Teen Wolf except Derek Hale because what the hell does Derek even do in his spare time? But my main worry is for these kids. Stiles is getting through life without his mom around even his dad for a little while, not to mention he's the only one in the pack that's still human and has no special powers or skills. He does all the research and worries about his BFF Scott, and he still goes to school every day, they all do. I worry about how much time they spend in that building both in the day and at night, but I guess Beacon Hills isn't that fun anywhere else. Seriously, though, Stiles and Isaac had a lot of issues at home, aside from the alpha-hunting problems the whole pack has, and they're both doing so well. Isaac ended up living with Scott and probably falling slightly in love with him, but he's fine now. I think they all need more credit for not skipping days because they're so tired all the time.

Leonard McCoy. It is not a good idea to get me started on Leonard unless you have a lot of time and are willing for me to go off on tangents, but as far as his Academy life goes, that's what I aspire towards. Bones joined up to Starfleet after what seems to have been a pretty rough divorce with his wife, and his accent clearly isn't from around the Academy at all, so he's come pretty far up from Georgia. He's terrified of space travel and hella older than his fellow students, than Jim, but he goes for it, he becomes a senior officer and is the best damn doctor they've got. I have this really nice image of him in their quarters, in the evening or something, working through his papers and stuff, trying to ignore Jim's whining about going to bars or something. Though while we're on the subject...

James Tiberius Kirk. He completed a four year course in three, he cheated in the Kobayashi Maru, the text that Spock designed to be unbeatable. He cheated to win it, because he doesn't believe in no-win cenarios. His confidence, self-belief and ability to not give a crap about whatever happened before Starfleet is a major inspiration to me, and I think the legacy of his name speaks for itself because if there's any hard-working Captain out there, it's Jim Kirk.

My Moony. Okay, so she isn't actually a character, she's totally real. But I still count her as one of the most inspirational things/people I know. Despite having anxiety before she knew it's name, despite hating everything about the educational system and coming up against it time and time again, she kept going through each course she chose and taught me that even if you feel like something's going to kill you, getting it done makes you feel better. Unless it's murder or something, though we haven't actually tested that one. So although your last in the list, min lilla banan, you're by no means at the bottom of it. Bet you were getting all sad because I hadn't mentioned you much.


If it wasn't already obvious, I tend to write lists/appreciation stuff whenever I'm trying to avoid doing something but want to feel productive about it. This has been one of those times. Thanks for putting up with my rambles.

Advice for secondary Sixth Form/High School

This is partly exactly what it looks like, but it's first hand experience. If this helps even one worried kid, I'll be happy. As it is, I wish somebody had told me this one year ago. So while this may seem I'm talking directly to you, the stressed and worried little student staring at my page (just humour me and pretend there is one of those), I'm sort of talking to myself, too. This is just one of those things that you need to see written down to get anywhere near believing it.

Here's the secret. Try to work hard.

It really isn't as easy as it sounds, I know that, trust me. I've always been a good student, sure, and so have people around me, but stuff starts building up, and you need to try to keep on top of it. Especially if you have other things going on in your life, too.

However, here comes the part your parents aren't going to agree with.

Follow your heart. If you want to take a break and watch a TV series, go for it. If reading high school AUs to feel like your favourite characters are going through the same issues as you, hell, I can point you to some rec lists.

If you want a night out, or to curl up with your favourite book or movie alone or with friends, please, do that. If it's a bad day, and you're really not up to doing any work, and there isn't a pressing deadline, take the time out. You'll feel better about it later.

Also, make sure you have a kick-ass music collection to hand if you need it. Some people prefer to work in silence, and if that's you, fine, whatever helps, but if you want motivating music, try out your favourite soundtracks, things like Pirates of the Carribean, or Iron Man. Or music you know so well it's a comfort.

Whatever helps.

My dad told me to step down the obsessions, because that was all I spoke about at home, but you know what? That's what helps me. I watch Supernatural, Superhero movies, Doctor Who, fucking Star Trek, and I take inspiration.

Right now, it helps for me to climb into my Science Blue Trek uniform, at my desk, to do my school work. Because let's me honest, you couldn't get onto the Enterprise without a lot of hard work, and everybody who owns one of those uniforms is important, gets their work done.

Of course, maybe what you prefer is reading the Harry Potter books, watching the films, pretending you're just a few steps away from Hogwarts, if you can get through this. Or you're on some muggle-exchange program. I get into habits sometimes of keeping my copy of Quidditch Through The Ages near my pillow, reading through it to remind me that world is right there.

Hell, watch Glee and pretend you're in the same school, that they're all your friends. Anything at all.

It helps me to pretend I'm working towards Starfleet, that I'll shape up and ship out out as soon as I get through this year. But try explaining that to somebody that doesn't understand how you love things, and then problems arise.

This doesn't just apply to this part of life, though. I guess it works on all levels. Do whatever helps, whatever makes you happy, because your work will suffer if you aren't happy. One of my best friends pretends he's on Shore Leave until the Enterprise is back up and running, to get him through his job.

I've got a hard year ahead of me, year 13 is tougher than year 12, and right now all I have to do is plan a 2 minute talk about a book I read and read through a blog I'm going to use for coursework, but sooner or later I'm going to have to really knuckle down, and so are you.

So good luck. You do you. You'll be just fine. You're doing great. And there's always someone nearby that sympathises with you.

The name's Bond. Lorcan Bond.

It was our induction day today.

Bit odd. We had to do a performance, and the title was Bond: Live and Let Die. We had to use the music to do something we designed ourselves. I was James Bond, a role I wanted for a very long time.
  We found celebrity masks and used those on the main characters. I was Johnny Depp.... As James Bond. Two wonderful people. Two Alan Carr's stole the queen and prince Phillip. I got to wear a black suit, which helped me feel a little better.
  However, my Bond Girl was my ex girlfriend. We're friends now, and it's fine, but having her circle me sexily and do what I'm sure was a very sexy expression to the tune 'Mr Loverboy' when I introduced myself was very much not good. Thank christ I had my mask on so I didn't have to fix a facial expression. It was... awkward, at best. I wish my partner had been there to be my Bond Girl. She'd have been amazing. Other than that, we did well. Got to the finals but didn't win. There were much better tutor groups than us.
  And, as a result of my walking home in black trousers, white shirt, black tie and waistcoat, I'm fairly sure I caught a girl glancing at me repeatedly and smiling slightly at me. I believe that's 'checking me out', right? I don't know. Either way, she stands no chance, since I'm a happily involved guy. Still, major Male points.

Yesterday, I had a free lesson, so I went to a cafeteria on my own, since all my friends were in classes, and got invited to sit with some colleagues from my old school. They asked about me and my ex, I explained we weren't together because I'm Asexual, and a girl said she'd heard of it, and I verified what it means, and it was all fine.
  Then, topic turned to sex, and then to Hex, the local Trans*. As far as I gather, he's on the hormones to become a woman, but still identifies as male. The five of them were trying to work out what it meant, since he is still very much a guy, not having had bottom surgery, but no longer has a flat chest, and maybe is registered as female officially. I think he's neutral, but I wasn't going to try to explain that and the ze/hir pronouns. I interjected with the idea that we address him by the pronouns he asks of us, and the girl who knew about Asexuality said 'you're on Tumblr, aren't you? I can tell.' and thus I had to go on to explain it's not gender identification disorder, it's dysphoria, and of course it lead to what that is, what it means, how it works.
  Suffice to say I felt a little drained and vulnerable afterwards.

Tomorrow I have one and a half lessons, but I have to be at school for all five. So I have a lot of time on my hands. It's supposed to be triple Critical Thinking, but how the hell are you supposed to think at a critical level for three hours straight? So we're just doing one and a half. The rest is free time and a study period in which I have nothing to study.

Everyone keeps asking why I have so much free time but it's just because I'm supposed to have nine lessons of everything but I now only have five of CT. It's awesome! I plan to take a few extra pounds so I can get a few coffee's at the cafeteria and write or something.