Surprisingly, I'm okay.

I feel like I've neglected this blog, and I feel a little bad for it. I'd like to get back into the habit of regularly updating, if only to give myself something productive to do.

I've hit a really important part of my life, now. I'm in Sweden for a few more weeks, then I'm going back to Dorset, but I'm moving into a flat with my life partner just weeks later, and starting University in two months. This feels like such an amazing thing. Holy shit, adult stuff.

We've packed up the bedroom, mostly, sorted through everything and realised that between us, I am the one with most possessions, but far. I need to remedy that when I get home. I've enlisted the help of a friend who's a pro and just clearing stuff out.

Admittedly, it's different for me. I can leave stuff and just come back on the train, without hopping countries, but it's still a good idea to see what crap I own, and getting rid of it.

Sweden, as ever, is treating me wonderfully. I've spent two days now on the balcony doing my own thing while Moony's at work, and it's nice. As much as we love being together, it's nice to get used to not having that. There's a lot to look forward to, with two good friends already planning to visit as soon as we're settled, and while I sometimes get a little freaked out that there's so much riding on my grades, I know I can't do anything about them right now. I'll find out how I did in 12 days. And they usually take you on anyway, right? They seemed interested in getting me involved. Worse case, I've got Bournemouth. And if we get a long term flat in Brighton but I don't make it, that's fine. I can commute that. It's only like, three hours there and two hours back. Sure. And not too expensive. I don't know, I won't fuss about that yet.

Personally? I think I'm doing good. I'm happy here. I like knowing I'm making a physical positive difference to somebody's life, and being in a safe environment is so good for my mental health. I've barely had a bad day here since I arrived, as apposed to very often in my parent's home.

It's exciting. I love it. I hope it all goes as well as we're hoping. We deserve this break. I've done all I can for applying for flats, we'll decide as soon as we can. I can actually just relax, marathon tv shows I've been meaning to get around to for ages, and have fun.

I want this to go well, so badly.

It is no sign of good health to be well adjusted to a sick society.

It's 4am blogs with Lorcan, yaaaay.

This explains the lack of beautiful metaphors and so on. And punctuation. I'm on my phone. 

Since it's totally Saturday now, I can safely say it is my birthday tomorrow. I'm going to be 18 years old. I'm going to legally be an adult.

I know it's typically a thing in older people, when they hit a new benchmarker and realise how little they've achieved, but I'm getting that right now.

I can't believe that I'm almost 18 and today I made plans to borrow my friend's boiler suit so I can cosplay as my favourite character in the Lego Movie. 

I'm nearly 18 and my aunt got me elastic/rubber brightly colored dinosaurs. The aforementioned Lego character is dancing with a T-Rex on my desk right now.

I'm nearly 18 and I regularly ask myself (and am asked by Moony) how I'm still alive when I fall over my feet and burn myself making tea, a task I conduct multiple times a day. 

I'm nearly 18 and sometimes I feel so much older. You know, they say you can see in the Doctor's eyes that he is far older than his face, that he has seen so much more. I wonder if that's like with me, to a less impressive extent. I don't want that to sound like me saying I have the same cred as the Doctor, that's wishful thinking. 

But let's go meta here for a second.

The Lorcan has to deal with a lot in life. They have a fiancée on the wrong side of the ocean, a family that doesn't really accept them to the point that a slip-up of pronouns is a massive breakthrough. There's mental health, dissociation, exams, legit over abundance of stress hormones, not the correct set of hormones in general...

Don't get me wrong, there are awesome things in Lorcan's life, too. There is that same fiancée, for starts, and a support group that is full of completely lovely people. The Godzilla movie was hecking awesome, too. 

And they're getting presents tomorrow. Which would be great except it's two days before an exam, too.

And while we're here, let's take a moment for neutral pronouns. Wow, they feel strange, but they're hella. No assumptions made, perfect for raging Dysphoria, which is a thing today. 

Every time I revise, I either actually cry orI end  up close enough to it that I crawl under my comfort duvet - it has a space theme - and listen to music until I calm down. But that takes hours out of my time, and lead to things like this, where I'm laying in bed at 4am unable to sleep because I'm trying to work out techniques to pass - both the exam and in life generally. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll work something out. Maybe I'll find a kickass track list online and there'll be a study montage. 

Maybe Uni will let me in regardless. It does happen.

Casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there counting crows.

Today, I was waiting in my brother's girlfriend's car until a closer time to board the coach that would take me the hell away from the seaside town where people go to end the portion of their lives that could be called interesting, and it was raining pretty bad.

I don't even just mean it was unpleasant. Anyone reading this may be unaware of the storms that have gripped the bottom half of the united kingdom for the last week or so, but there have been floods and road closures around where my family lives, and I've been worried about my flight back home, to Moony. It's that bad.

But I digress. Next to the car, on one of those low flower installments you get on promenades to make the place look nicer, was a crow. I think it was trying to get into a shell or something. Now, I know the phrase 'water off a duck's back', as in 'don't let it get under your skin, but let it go without touching you'. And it's always been kind of a good idea. It's a good job I adore cliches, because I think of that line a lot.

The water droplets on this crow were first apparent when it shook, sending the water everywhere and leaving its' feathers blessedly free of water for a few seconds until it began gathering again. What struck me, in that moment, while my brother's band played music through the speaker system and cigarette smoke curled over the top of a window, was that while the water fell onto that crows' feathers, it seemed utterly unphased.

Now, this is a hell of an extended metaphor, because what if each droplet of water were an issue of some kind. The faint ones were the little things, like doing the washing, e-mail that freely gendered individual. The more noticable droplets were things like, say, essays, university money costs. The really big ones? Well they'd be parent issues, gender identity dysphoria. You know, to take examples at random.

Sometimes, the droplets fell together, small things combining into bigger things. Deadlines, mock exams, pressure to do something to make someone blood related proud.

And then, just as if they were simply droplets of hydrogen and double oxygen, the crow would shake free its' problems, and continue on whatever undecided course the small creature had picked out over the dirt.

If I could do that, just shrug it all off and be content with myself, I would love to do so. But then, that's what these trips to Sweden are for. However, then the water started falling onto the same ink black feathers, and I realised that no matter how frequently you free yourself from problems and issues, you're never really going to be content, because the water will keep gathering. All you can do is try to make it a little easier on yourself by only attracting the small droplets, and not letting the bigger ones weigh you down.

It was the heat of the moment.

We've fallen upon some hard times recently, but I feel like there are good sides to this, as I always manage to feel in every situation with an annoying level of optimism.

Yes, me and Moony are temporarily homeless, sleeping on her brother's couch rather than spending another night in her previous living space, but it could be worse.

We spent the evening playing Cards Against Humanity and singing One Direction songs. As a small family.

We have made a lot of snap decisions recently, and felt like we didn't have much time to relax until last night since christmas eve evening. 

You know, I actually forgot it was Christmas. So much has happened that it escaped my attention.

But last night, I feel like we learnt the value of taking every second as it comes, of appreciating those closest to you and just living life.

Because sometimes, I think we could forget that. We spend so much time planning ahead that when we are suddenly stripped of that luxury, we feel lost and out of our depth.

I think at times like that, all you can do is take a step back and appreciate the things in life that you do still have.

Like right now, we have a warm place to stay, and tonight we'll be in a more permanent location. We got pizza for dinner last night and played a fantastic game. And we're safe now. Moony can't be hurt, we're going to be okay.

We are always okay.

What is this? What is this?

Story time, with Lorcan.

At group, a few months ago, the session started with Richard gesturing at a sheet of paper, several paints, highlighters, pens, and so on. He said we were welcome to draw whatever we wanted, if we wanted, and either use individual sheets or the main page, and then we'd analyse it. Apparently it's a good outlet if you don't know what you're feeling. Maybe it's a load of crap, but it's fun as hell, and making up what it could mean is interesting.

My first piece was the name 'Lorc -A- Dork' in gold, in the middle of the page. It was a joke from a livechat with Ivan, Taggles (a friend of ours) and some others he knew. I also drew a star, the starfleet symbol, a rainbow, and what was supposed to be the symbol from Teen Wolf, but ended up more like the female reproductive system, much to my friend's amusement. Like so:

As you can see, my art skills are not what they apparently were two years ago. That's not my original representation, but it's pretty much the same. I tried to draw it and failed entirely.

We discussed how my name was clearly big on my mind, the star is legit a connection to my given middle name, the rainbow is my gay, and that? I just wanted to draw Derek Hale's tattoo, but maybe I have more on my mind than Tyler Hoechlin's back.

I also drew the TARDIS with 'gay' coming out of it in gold, glittering letters from the light.

Later on, I drew this.

Apologies for image size; my phone sucks.

The orange guy was added one somebody asked if that was the hill Jack stands on in Nightmare Before Christmas.

And I realised it was. I'd unintentionally drawn that scene, when he's wondering if Hallowe'en is what he really wants and so on. It's been a while since I saw it, so my knowledge is sketchy.

I started with glittery-green, because I love glitter and find it wonderful. Then a dark blue, because it's my favourite colour, it's stereotypically male. Then I varied, pink and purple, both colours I like but don't wear much. Maybe at my heart I want to be who I am, the out-there kind of guy who will run around in glitter, but I have that feminine side, still, obviously. Everyone who knows me knows I can't be 'masculine' to save my life.

But as we talked, I had that legitimate eureka moment, where I understood, because Jack is raised in a world where everything is spooky and nobody is truly happy about mundane things, unless it's mundane by the town's standards, and he really doesn't fit in, because he doesn't get that as much as they do. Then he finds the Christmas town, and though he goes about it all wrong, he realises that's what he wants.

And he struggles with it, because nobody ever goes against the town like that.

I get that. I'm sure a lot of people do.

Old Sport!

For as long as I can remember, I've had a strong impulse to go out into rain when it's pouring. I only have memories of acting on this in any way since I moved to Dorset, but it seems a want I've had for a long time.

I have an image of being in another bedroom of the house that my brother now shares with his girlfriend, curled up on the windowseat with my arm hanging out into the hard rain, hand slowly going numb as the water hit it. It's one of the only times I feel truly alive around here.

Back in Sweden, there was some sort of storm that was so bad the trams stopped running, and the roads flooded. The front of the restaurant Moony works at is rounded with the logo across it, and it worked as some sort of waterfall, so if you stood on the glass of that area it was like being in a waterfall. It was so awesome that Moony and her colleagues, and the few customers, ended up crowding around the windows, taking photos, talking to each other about how weird it was that the sky seemed like 10pm rather than 11am.

I felt like I should try to prove to Moony's colleagues that I was a responsible young man, rather than the 15 year old pre-pubescent kid I know I resemble, so I kept myself together then.

Apparently it hasn't rained in this part of England for a while. I know, what a break in the stereotype. But this evening, out of fucking nowhere, there was sudden torrential downpour. Out of my window it looked like small slices of silver. I couldn't help but pull down my window and do what I always did, stick my arm out and just feel the weather.

-WARNING, GREAT GATSBY SPOILERS YONDER-

And something weird, that struck me as I looked out over the rooftops, to the glowing lights through the mist. That iconic symbol of Jay Gatsby looking out across the water, to the green light at the end of Daisy Buchanan's place. That light, as far as I can remember, symbolises his 'Murican dream. The life he wants with Daisy where everything is fine, and she's just across the water. But even once he has her, he can't stop staring out at the light, because he's started dreaming and hoping for something that reality can never fulfill. He's a hopelss romantic, a dreamer, and that's his downfall.

As I stared out at the white lights that suggest cars on a distant road through the mist and/or cloudbank, because both are sometimes possible here, weirdly, with my arm going numb and my hand freezing with the rainwater, I was reminded of it. I have so many aspirations and plans, but no way of knowing it'll all come true. I might just be hoping for too much. Like Gatsby.

So I guess I'm trying to say that I get where he's coming from, I sympathise with Gatsby and I'm hoping my Daisy Buchanan really is my transition and Starfleet Brighton Uni.

Advice for secondary Sixth Form/High School

This is partly exactly what it looks like, but it's first hand experience. If this helps even one worried kid, I'll be happy. As it is, I wish somebody had told me this one year ago. So while this may seem I'm talking directly to you, the stressed and worried little student staring at my page (just humour me and pretend there is one of those), I'm sort of talking to myself, too. This is just one of those things that you need to see written down to get anywhere near believing it.

Here's the secret. Try to work hard.

It really isn't as easy as it sounds, I know that, trust me. I've always been a good student, sure, and so have people around me, but stuff starts building up, and you need to try to keep on top of it. Especially if you have other things going on in your life, too.

However, here comes the part your parents aren't going to agree with.

Follow your heart. If you want to take a break and watch a TV series, go for it. If reading high school AUs to feel like your favourite characters are going through the same issues as you, hell, I can point you to some rec lists.

If you want a night out, or to curl up with your favourite book or movie alone or with friends, please, do that. If it's a bad day, and you're really not up to doing any work, and there isn't a pressing deadline, take the time out. You'll feel better about it later.

Also, make sure you have a kick-ass music collection to hand if you need it. Some people prefer to work in silence, and if that's you, fine, whatever helps, but if you want motivating music, try out your favourite soundtracks, things like Pirates of the Carribean, or Iron Man. Or music you know so well it's a comfort.

Whatever helps.

My dad told me to step down the obsessions, because that was all I spoke about at home, but you know what? That's what helps me. I watch Supernatural, Superhero movies, Doctor Who, fucking Star Trek, and I take inspiration.

Right now, it helps for me to climb into my Science Blue Trek uniform, at my desk, to do my school work. Because let's me honest, you couldn't get onto the Enterprise without a lot of hard work, and everybody who owns one of those uniforms is important, gets their work done.

Of course, maybe what you prefer is reading the Harry Potter books, watching the films, pretending you're just a few steps away from Hogwarts, if you can get through this. Or you're on some muggle-exchange program. I get into habits sometimes of keeping my copy of Quidditch Through The Ages near my pillow, reading through it to remind me that world is right there.

Hell, watch Glee and pretend you're in the same school, that they're all your friends. Anything at all.

It helps me to pretend I'm working towards Starfleet, that I'll shape up and ship out out as soon as I get through this year. But try explaining that to somebody that doesn't understand how you love things, and then problems arise.

This doesn't just apply to this part of life, though. I guess it works on all levels. Do whatever helps, whatever makes you happy, because your work will suffer if you aren't happy. One of my best friends pretends he's on Shore Leave until the Enterprise is back up and running, to get him through his job.

I've got a hard year ahead of me, year 13 is tougher than year 12, and right now all I have to do is plan a 2 minute talk about a book I read and read through a blog I'm going to use for coursework, but sooner or later I'm going to have to really knuckle down, and so are you.

So good luck. You do you. You'll be just fine. You're doing great. And there's always someone nearby that sympathises with you.

The Mirror Of Erised

I'm going to take a pragmatic leap of faith and assume you all know what the Mirror of Erised is. If you don't, then you can abandon this post and go acquaint yourself with Harry Potter And The Philosopher's stone. If you can't be bothered with the whole thing, the few pages there are in comparison to the other books in the series, then just read that chapter, even though I'll probably judge you a little.

But sadly this post isn't about you, it's about me, a little. Apologies. You're welcome to talk to me or leave a comment though.

When Harry looks into the mirror, he sees his family, all smiling and looking out at him. Ron sees himself winning the cup, being head boy, basically filling the boots of his big brothers after the legacy they've forced upon him.

Me? Well that's what I've been wondering. If it shows us 'what we want, whatever we want', or whatever we believe would make us happiest of all, I think I'd be standing there, with my arms around Moony, staring right back. I'd be on Testosterone already, I'd have had surgery and maybe some awesome Will Graham styled stubble going on, and my hair - by now if it isn't obvious you should know I care a great deal for my hair - would be awesome. And at this point in time, we'd probably be in Starfleet getups. Like, Academy or the proper colours.

The thing I'm trying to say here, as well as giving an idea as to exactly what it is that makes me happy, is that all I really want, to be the happiest I can be, is to have my beloved at my side, to be allowed to transition and to be as far away from my family as possible. Space would be preferable. If not, I'll settle for London. Or Brighton or Sweden.

I can't help but wonder what Moony would see. But myself, it would probably be that. And then, once I get all that, I would look into the mirror and see myself exactly as I was.

Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light.

I'm becoming more aware of how beautiful life is now that I have Moony with me.

I've always seen where I live as a holiday location. It feels like I am only staying here until I can leave again, until I can head towards my home, which is on the other side of the UK.

The truth is that I no longer feel like that. Today, I watched the sun begin to set before the fog hit it, and the sky was thrown up with pinks and purples, and the deepest of reds. It lit up my room, my partner, everything I have and will ever need, and it stopped feeling like a holiday home, and more like my life.

I've never been comfortable here, I like the location but not the way it makes me feel. Everything is like something from those old books where the old ideals ring true and nothing is as brutal as the papers say, as if it can be ignored. But in truth there was a suspicious death at a house near the bottom of my road that I'm sure was the fault of the husband. All the evidence points to him but he got away with killing his wife, as far as I believe.

My town has the highest rate of teenage pregnancies in the UK.

It's not perfect, but it seems it. And I've never really liked that, how everyone is close to each other and don't talk to outsiders. They know everything because everyone talks.

But when Moony is with me, it feels different. Like I can handle all that, because I've got her, my own little piece of calm.

It's the same with school. I feel like I don't need to worry about what's going to happen next year, or just wait for it, because I have everything I need right here. And that's fucking beautiful.