That's what I go to school for.

There are a couple of characters I always go to for inspiration when it comes to schoolwork, and I decided to write them out here, so that I can either come back to them later or, I don't know, maybe this blog will fulfil the secondary purpose with which it was created and actually help someone.

So here, in no particular order, is a 10 characters because otherwise this won't ever stop, and some reasons I adore the dedication they have to their work, most of which will probably be based upon fanfictions and loose canon, but that's just how I'm working right now. If I go off tangent slightly please forgive me, it's kind of late and I have a lot of pent up writing energy. Probably some spoilers for each series or story these characters are in, you have been warned here.

Sam Winchester. Sam is wonderful. His family business is killing demons and hunting things, but he decides to get away from all that and go to school. They moved around a lot growing up, so he never really had time to make friends, and both he and Dean had to get their act together each time, try to get as far in their studies as they could before they moved on, and his dad wasn't around much. But you know what, he was going to get into Stanford. He was going to Law school, despite how much it would cost, he was doing it. His brother and father don't want him to do it, but he does. He's one of the smartest kids I know. I'll include a little about Dean here because it isn't strictly work-based, but he looked after Sammy since they were both kids, and his dedication to making sure his little brother was alright, well above his own needs, is what I wish I could have in a brother. I'll always look up to Dean.

Harry Potter (and Remus Lupin?and everybody while we're at it). This was mostly because of Moony. I only recently discovered the Maurader era fanfiction, but I'm very glad I did. Both Harry and Remus have a lot to put up with in Hogwarts. Remus turns into a werewolf every 30 days or so and Harry is never actually allowed one year of normal life at Hogwarts, but they both get through it anyway. I feel so damn sorry for both of them sometimes, like, jesus christ I think school's hard as it is for me, Harry had to face 99 problems every single year. But with the help of their friends, they both manage, and I can't stop being impressed by that. Everyone in those years deserve medals.

Wesley Crusher (and Pavel Chekov). I'm going to go right out and admit I absolutely love Wesley Crusher. He's an important aspect of Star Trek: The Next Generation to me and a reason I fell in love with the series before I discovered my love for Data, and currently Riker. I love him enough that I'm using the actor that played him for my coursework this year. So both of these wonderful boys get to work in the Enterprise (Wesley in the Enterprise-D and Chekov in the original NCC-1701 for anybody that cares, which is probably nobody) before they even hit 18. Chekov is 17, and Wesley is probably like 13 or something when Picard is convinced to let him work, and he dabbles between piloting the fucking ship and working in engineering. Honestly, he pretty much solves the show every episode but the fans seemed not to like him. Being his age and wanting desperately to be in Starfleet, I can only see him as wonderful. As for Chekov, he's adorable as fuck and a goddamn genius. He can lock on to moving targets and beam them aboard, he can sneakily hide behind planetary moons, he can do anything except speak clearly into a microphone and recount realistic facts that don't somehow include Russia. Both of these boys had to work hard to get to their posts, and I'll never stop being amazed that Starfleet even allows that.

Stiles Stilinski. Also Isaac Lahey. Basically most of Teen Wolf except Derek Hale because what the hell does Derek even do in his spare time? But my main worry is for these kids. Stiles is getting through life without his mom around even his dad for a little while, not to mention he's the only one in the pack that's still human and has no special powers or skills. He does all the research and worries about his BFF Scott, and he still goes to school every day, they all do. I worry about how much time they spend in that building both in the day and at night, but I guess Beacon Hills isn't that fun anywhere else. Seriously, though, Stiles and Isaac had a lot of issues at home, aside from the alpha-hunting problems the whole pack has, and they're both doing so well. Isaac ended up living with Scott and probably falling slightly in love with him, but he's fine now. I think they all need more credit for not skipping days because they're so tired all the time.

Leonard McCoy. It is not a good idea to get me started on Leonard unless you have a lot of time and are willing for me to go off on tangents, but as far as his Academy life goes, that's what I aspire towards. Bones joined up to Starfleet after what seems to have been a pretty rough divorce with his wife, and his accent clearly isn't from around the Academy at all, so he's come pretty far up from Georgia. He's terrified of space travel and hella older than his fellow students, than Jim, but he goes for it, he becomes a senior officer and is the best damn doctor they've got. I have this really nice image of him in their quarters, in the evening or something, working through his papers and stuff, trying to ignore Jim's whining about going to bars or something. Though while we're on the subject...

James Tiberius Kirk. He completed a four year course in three, he cheated in the Kobayashi Maru, the text that Spock designed to be unbeatable. He cheated to win it, because he doesn't believe in no-win cenarios. His confidence, self-belief and ability to not give a crap about whatever happened before Starfleet is a major inspiration to me, and I think the legacy of his name speaks for itself because if there's any hard-working Captain out there, it's Jim Kirk.

My Moony. Okay, so she isn't actually a character, she's totally real. But I still count her as one of the most inspirational things/people I know. Despite having anxiety before she knew it's name, despite hating everything about the educational system and coming up against it time and time again, she kept going through each course she chose and taught me that even if you feel like something's going to kill you, getting it done makes you feel better. Unless it's murder or something, though we haven't actually tested that one. So although your last in the list, min lilla banan, you're by no means at the bottom of it. Bet you were getting all sad because I hadn't mentioned you much.


If it wasn't already obvious, I tend to write lists/appreciation stuff whenever I'm trying to avoid doing something but want to feel productive about it. This has been one of those times. Thanks for putting up with my rambles.

I wake up scared, I wake up strange, I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change.

As disastrous, unplanned, unexpected weekends go, this one was pretty good.

I stayed at my best mate's house, we watched Doom, RED, Star Trek (all because of Karl Urban, and I regret none of it), V For Vendetta and History Boys. My mate got the new Bioshock game so I wrote and spoke to Moony for the day, and Ivan, whenever he was around.

In honesty, I partly regret not going to Pride. I do not doubt it would have been a brilliant day, but I enjoyed the day I got instead. It was calm, it was normal. My mate's mum loves me, and I'm pretty sure she called me dear, or darling, or something, at some point when she made me tea.

Moony called me a few times, somewhat drunk, and it's rather impressive, how good her English is even when she's intoxicated. Bravo, love.

I've taken to wearing the shirt Ivan designed whenever I feel down, or like I need cheering up in any way, because it reminds me that everything is going to be alright. I have people who really care about me, and sometimes that's enough. My mate said he's noticed this already, so it's like Ivan is my go-to, my signal that I'm not in the best mood. One of many reasons my bestie means so much to me.

Me and my mate have the kind of friendship where we tease each other, make stupid jokes, and often say the same thing at the same time. It's really nice to have that kind of support net when I feel stranded in my own home, with my soul mate out of reach for whatever reason. This weekend especially, I really needed that.

This friend, I'll call him Zed, turned 17 yesterday. I was openly invited to go to lunch with him, his wonderful mum and Zed's grandma at a cafe/restaurant that's near the lighthouse where I live. I was introduced as Lorcan, of course, and I was a hit.

She complimented me on my haircut, said I was handsome and intelligent. Afterwards, she asked Zed's mum on the phone why he isn't more like me. So it seems I'm pretty much accepted into the family. I got away with lighthearted jokes about me and Zed's mate, and everyone laughed. I feel awesome about that.

I had my hair like this. Also look Karl yay. Shut up Moony I think he's brilliant.

A family friend visited while I was there, and once more I was accepted as male, got to talk about Moony for a while, and me and Zed contentedly freaked the poor woman out with our 'complicated lingo' (the code is Tumblr.)

At the end of the day, it kinda sucked to go home. My room is somehow already a mess, even though I barely spent time in it. But for realsies this time, Moony will be here tonight. I'll go pick her up at the station and our affection will freak out the locals.

And now we have the part of the post where I awkwardly link to the title.

Sleeping in Zed's room is really cool, because he has a really minimalist layout, and it's very different to my room. I got an awesome space-theme duvet - I have a space-theme thing at the moment, in case anyone is new here and doesn't know that yet - and it was sort of like being room mates or something.

I kept being woken up by the sun from about 8am onwards because the edge of the blind lined up with where I was sprawled out and I ended up laying with an arm over my face to block the bastard out. But it was at moments like that this weekend that I've wondered what I'd change if I could. God knows I'd be on testosterone by now, my name would be changed, and I'd love to be in Brighton by now, but then I'd miss moments like this, moments of just hanging out with my best friend, making stupid jokes to give the other person equal amounts of humour and pain.

Of course, this weekend could have been better spent with Moony, but since I was forced to find my own amusement, it was a good way to pass time.

I dig down deeper, and you fall so much faster.

Today isn't how I expected to spend my Saturday 13th of July.

I'm not in Bournemouth. I couldn't sleep all night, I'm still exhausted. I kept waking and thinking it had to be late, but by the time I gave up it was only 9:17, the time I would have been in Bournemouth to meet Jake. Or, the time me, Jake and Moony would have been there to meet the group.

I spent a few hours in my room, trying to ignore everything, and found that when I laugh, it hurts.

Let me tell you a short story.

A while ago, my phone died for three days due to the influx of texts it kept getting, and I couldn't get a new one, or get to a reliable internet source. It broke me, I was a complete mess. My parents told me to shut up, to sort myself out because it's not like me and Moony are married or anything.

We don't talk about those three days, because they were the darkest days of my life. I don't remember much past complete pain, sending packed e-mails of my day each day to Moony through school.

But it was horrible. This is what it feels like. Did you know you can actually die of a broken heart? It can cause the heart to malfunction until you die because your beloved died.

I wouldn't believe it unless I was experiencing it.

But my best friend demanded I stay at his for the night, to get me out of the triggering environment. And if that isn't one of the most amazing things anyone has done for me, I dunno what is. We're just watching films, having a Karl Urban marathon, and a Marvel marathon. His mum is fantastic.

Me and Moony sorted out our sort-of argument. We were both emotionally compromised yesterday and said stuff we shouldn't have. It's alright though, because we know we'll never stop loving each other, and that's enough to get us through anything.

But now she's gone to have a drink with some friends, and I'm gonna watch DOOM, because it's a completely amazing film that is like watching back my childhood (because I played it a lot, not because I ran around killing aliens as an eight year old.) We're nearly one day closer, one day through the sudden hell we didn't expect ourselves to be in.


And if this posts seemed more disjointed than usual because my other posts are so very well structured then you can blame Tony Stark and his PTSD.