My life as seen through my parents' eyes in pie chart form.

I don't make a habit of two posts in one day, but this seems necessary right now.

I just accidentally brought up the topic of my last post; my motivation. My mother said my motivation is not having to do all this next year. She's obviously wrong, because I'll still have exams next year, and probably for the next four years of my life.

It boils down to their belief that all I concentrate on is Sweden, Supernatural, Sherlock and Doctor Who. According to them, I'm a bright kid, and if I applied myself better, I'd get the grades I want. But it doesn't matter to them because it's my life and my choice. They're not angry about it, they just accept this about me.

This is a long standing argument based on the fact that I only really talk about the above (because school is uninteresting and I know they don't care) and my unexpected grade in my Critical Thinking exam back in January. I got 50 points out of 100, however the system works, and that is halfway to a D overall when added with the exam next month. To get the B Brighton wants me to have, I would have to be near perfect in my May exam. That clearly isn't going to happen. So I'm resitting.

When my family heard this, they assumed it's my fault and that I didn't work enough. Okay, perhaps I could have done a little more, but a classmate of mine revised solidly for weeks and got the same grade as me. The best mark anybody got was on the way to a C.

I tried explaining that the topic is difficult to revise for, as previously mentioned a few posts back, but they didn't seem to understand. They don't get how important I find getting out of here to be, and that I honestly thought the exam went well. I underestimated what was required of me, and I've learnt from it. I'm working on it.

But their lack of belief in me, or the belief that I need to try harder, is incredibly unhelpful. How can I rely on them for support if what I'm doing is never enough? Worse still, when I left to make tea because I couldn't stand it any more and I needed a comforting ritual, they were laughing.

So here is an accurate representation of what my parents believe me to be thinking about, and what I really am concentrating on at any one time.

  


Red Crayon: Sweden // Blue Crayon: Supernatural // Green Crayon: Sherlock // Yellow Crayon: Doctor Who // Purple Pen: School // Orange Highlighter: Trans* Crap // Blue Highlighter: I need to get out of here // Purple Pencil: Can I handle a job? I have to // Black: Friends/Social life // Blue Pen: Family-related teen angst // Gold: DYSPHORIA

It's not accident that the two highlighters are next to each other, or that the blue highlighter and purple pencil are side by side. Same with gold and the blue pen. They go hand in hand. And the gold is dysphoria because it stands out. It's unavoidable and unique to the other colours because dypshoria is unique to everybody. I'm so deep and thoughtful when I don't need to be.

The first is my parent's view, the second is the truth.


   

As you can see, they're right about Sweden. Or rather, Moony. Yes, I spend a lot of time thinking about her, but I feel entitled, since we're pretty much married.

But there the similarities stop. I barely spend that much time on Sherlock any more, or Who. Supernatural, yes. But fandoms are something I need to get by. School work rivals my time spend with or thinking about Moony, so it's clearly not something I don't care about. And Trans* issues affect me daily. I always have the knowledge that I'm going through something not many other people I know have, and it's a little isolating sometimes. It makes me feel like I have to get away, as shown. It makes me determined to get a job because I need to see the Uni places I am considering. I barely have a social life, besides hanging out with a mate I'll name Dean, since I keep calling him it by accident, and a handful of others every Friday at Dean's house.

And my family angst is constant. Hard not to be, since I'm living with them. Mum asked where I'd like to go in the UK, for a holiday since it's probably the last year we'll all be together. I told her Wales or Edinburgh, and by the sounds of it we'll be camping there and that means not much phone time if I want to have any energy left on my battery. I'll be alone with them, and it may be hell, but I'll be in a setting I've never been in and that may be enough, if I can get away regularly. The last time we went camping I was told I probably wouldn't be 'like this' if I'd been forced towards pink and barbies instead of Doctor Who and Star Wars.

I didn't group trans* crap with dysphoria because they feel different. Anything can trigger it, and it's horrible to cope with. It deserves it's own group.

So by telling me to focus more, my family have forced me away from revising to make this post, in an attempt to calm my nerves. I haven't had a therapy session since the day before I left to see Moony, so this is my only outlet.

Motivation Towards School(work).

I've wanted to write something else for a while now, and this is the best topic I can think of.

For me, motivation is very difficult. In fact, I imagine it is for a lot of people. Moony revises and works because of the anxiety and fear of not doing well, but I've never had that. Sure, I fear not doing well, but I can never seem to really do anything about it and it goes away as soon as I distract myself.

Yesterday I was supposed to be doing work due next week, but instead I got my hair cut and took photos of myself as Castiel from Supernatural, after spending the whole afternoon at my friend's house watching League of Gentleman series 2, Doctor Who and more A Very Potter Musical.

I'm not really sure what expression to use so I usually go for 'absent'.

Today I promised to do said work, but it's 3:22pm and I'm about to rewatch Doctor Who while Moony watches it for the first time, and I've been reading high-school setting fanfiction about Supernatural. And that's what lead me to this post.

My forms of motivation come in odd ways. I have my pile of Uni prospectus books beside me, with the place I want to go to most on top, so I can see it. This works as a form of motivation because otherwise I just feel guilty for not working towards those B grades I need.

The High School AUs (Alternate Universe, for any non-fandom folk) make me want to work because I can see these people I admire in similar situations. Castiel, for example, usually is the one to knuckle down and try to work properly, while Dean isn't so much like that. Or Lestrade, from BBC Sherlock, is the kid that gets through the grades but doesn't work too hard, whereas Mycroft gets everything done the day he's set it and properly revises, and eventually encourages Lestrade to do the same.

Hell, Hermione Granger makes revision timetables - that Ron and Harry don't follow - and that makes me feel like I should get something done.

And there's Moony, because we want to live together in Brighton, but that all hinges on me actually getting in. And that won't happen unless I work for it. Having her reminding me that I need to be working encourages me in a way that only wanting to impress your partner and make them proud can.

All the people and characters I admire, they went through what I'm going through, and they did well. I want to be like that, I want to be there. I want to move away and live my life, but I won't get that by lazing around and doing nothing.

Brighton, here I come.

50 Fun Questions To Break Up The School Angst

• 1. Did you wake up cranky? No, I rarely do.
• 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? God, yes.
• 3. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Guys.
• 4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? It's instinctive. So, yes.
• 5. Can you commit to one person? Absolutely.
• 6. How do you look right now? British. I was Castiel earlier.
• 7. What exactly are you wearing right now? Power Ranger socks, blue chinos and an oversized tee with the Union Jack on it.
• 8. How often do you listen to music? Daily.
• 9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Jeans.
• 10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2014? I hope so.
• 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? Both. But normally antisocial when I get a choice.
• 12. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Hopefully I'll never fine out.
• 13. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Sometimes.
• 14. Can you drive a stick shift? Noooo.
• 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? Yes.
• 16. Are you going out of town soon? In the summer for local Pride and then to visit Moony.
• 17. When was the last time you cried? About an hour or two ago for Supernatural.
• 18. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes.
• 19. If you could change your eye color, would you? No. Maybe a blue.
• 20. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Go to Sixth Form.
• 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. I thought I saw a UFO and it really scared me, but it was just an army helicopter, so it was okay. That wasn't cool for a moment.
• 22. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Yes.
• 23. Are you nice to everyone? No. Well, I try.
• 24. What are you sitting on right now? My desk chair.
• 25. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Obvisly.
• 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Yes.
• 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? My lovely partner.
• 28. Do you get a lot of colds? No, but I get a lost of stress-induced headaches.
• 29. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? God, no.
• 30. Does anyone hate you? Probably, somewhere.
• 31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Yes.
• 32. Do you like watching scary movies? Yes.
• 33. Are you a jealous person? Not really, no.
• 34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? I'd say my third year of life or something. I don't remember a lot so it probably wasn't important.
• 35. Did you have a dream last night? I don't think so.
• 36. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Yes.
• 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? I hope so. Possibly.
• 38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Yes.
• 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Yes.
• 40. Did you have a good day yesterday? Yes, actually. Well, school sucked, but I hung out at my mate's afterwards, which was totally awesome. Thanks for asking.
• 41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? Yes.
• 42. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? No, not at all.
• 43. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Kissing.
• 44. What’s the best part about school? Inspiring teachers and good friends.
• 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? No, I don't have facebook.
• 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? Yes.
• 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? All the time.
• 48. Were you single over the last summer? Really not.
• 49. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Tumbling Studying.
• 50. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Incredibly so. More than anything.
  
  And here's a corresponding set of different answers from Moony for y'all. 

My Subjects Are Bitches To Revise For. (Yet Another School Post)

As my exams get closer to the date I'm on, I keep expecting myself to panic and freak out. To worry that I'm going to fail. After all, I did do rather badly on my Critical Thinking exam in January, which is why I'm resitting in just 28 days.

And sure, I am a little concerned about it. I know I have to actually work for these grades now, even though I spent my secondary school years guessing and charming my way through. I got an A in art but I barely actually painted anything.

The problem is motivation. I'm not sure how much more motivated I can get; I have a photo of me and Moony in front of me, the aforementioned pile of prospectuses (is the singular and the plural the same? Is it prospectus? Prospecti?) beside me, and my planner showing me how many days are left. And yet I always get caught writing here, or working on a poem, searching the Uni I want to go to.

That last one is the worst method, and perhaps the most ironic. There's no point deciding on a Uni if I can't get through my sixth form exams.

It's like my mental state. I'm surprised I've not had a breakdown, or a need to just take a break from life. The only problem right now is that my back hurts, maybe from binding. I can't just wear it for the 8 hours suggested because I'm not home for nine hours from when I leave for school to when I get home. Sometimes ten hours, sometimes a lot less depending on my day.

I have a strange set of subjects. There is no surefire way to revise for any of them. All you can do for Critical is remember the terminology and hope you understand the questions. You could revise all the past paper exams there are and still get questions you're not familiar with. It depends entirely on the sources and the paper. My teacher admitted he sees things in the mark sheet that he hadn't expected.

Media Studies isn't much better. Aside from learning terminology and reading up about a case study I'm interested in (Supernatural for me) I can't revise it. I can practice by writing about any piece of media I can think of, but I'll still get something I've never seen before, possibly in a genre I hadn't anticipated.

English is notoriously difficult to revise. I have quotes to learn, sure, but I don't know which ones I'll need. I'll get an unseen text that is worth a lot of marks and I'll have to make stuff up about a book of poetry I've been studying. Or in language all I can do is learn about gender theorists and hope for the best, and learn grammar terminology.

Why did I have to choose subjects that are so difficult.

I swear to Castiel that next year I'm going to try to revise stuff as I learn it, so this isn't such a problem. And if I could not need to retake anything again, that would be nice.

I was hoping not to have to write a post about school again, because Moony sometimes gets anxiety from it, but at least this is about my education right now, and you're done with sixth form, my love.

Wendy I'm Sure Adult Life Is A Bore...

A few days back, on Friday, I went to a local University for a 'higher education convention' (it sucked compared to the convention I was at with Moony) and though my original intention was to check out just a few university stalls, I walked away with 12 prospectus books. As shown below.

I've finalised my top three, and my final choice, so I'm down to picking my fourth option. I need to look through everything carefully, and take everything into consideration.

My list stands at:
Brighton
Kent
Reading
[whatever goes here]
Bournemouth

It all feels a bit too grown up for my liking. On top of this, I need to get a job to pay for my trips to Open Days, since my family can't afford to help me get there, and I feel bad that Moony has to keep paying for my flights, so I intend to see if I can pay back for that in any way. I already plan to pay for us both to get back to mine from Bournemouth.

We've got the tickets for Summer, and the plan is that Moony meets me at Bournemouth coach station, which is directly opposite the train station, and we spend the weekend in Bournemouth for Pride (or rather, Bourne Free), then travel back to mine on Sunday. Then we attend my school for the few days left of term, then return to Sweden together a week or so after she's arrived. I'll stay there for a whole fucking month, including a trip down south of Sweden to a family gathering, then come back to England for two weeks until my last year of sixth form begins and we start sending in applications for Uni.

I've asked for a railcard for my birthday to make train trips cheaper for me, and my first choice, Brighton, informed me that they'll give me a list of places that I can live with Moony, since I can't stay on campus if she isn't attending the same Uni, and they'll tell me how to get to each location, I'll go along, I'll pick a flat, and we're done. But I'll need to get there, so any help is good, obviously.

I've had offers from a mate to give me a lift to Brighton, despite her living at the other side of the country, and a back up on getting the train with me to assist transferring my belongings. I promised a place to stay for the night in return. One of my best friends turned out to have the same top three, so we're going to investigate them together. This will be all so much cheaper with my railcard.

Me and Moony have the same taste, so at least I won't have to worry that we disagree on places. I'll have to take a lot of photos to keep track. But I'll move in there, then Moony will come down and already have somewhere without having to travel to where I live now, then travel up again. A good side to this is that I won't have the stupid thing of having to find a new place at the end of my first year, and so on. We'll just have somewhere of our own.

So in a way, I can't wait. It's going to be terrifying, and I'll be totally on my own with the one person in my life that matters, and thrown into a new stage of education, but it's going to be so worth it. I can't imagine my life taking any other direction. We've been planning this since we met, and it's happening next year.

Closer to home, my exams are next month, and I can't stress enough how stressed I am. I'm doing all I can, but focusing is difficult. My binder feels fantastic, so I no longer have to fuss about my bandages, which is a relief, and I can actually breathe, but school is a little on the worrying side at the moment.

But Doctor Who is good, so that's something. And Moony wrote something about long distance relationship advice that may be helpful.

Are You Trans* Enough?

It occurred to me, while waiting alone in a lounge at Heathrow airport to visit Moony, just how different things can be fore a trans* person.

I mean, there have always been social stereotypes for male and female bodied people, but society is a lot more lenient now, and girls can like Doctor Who, whereas boys can like whatever the hell they want because we live in a patriarchy, but if it’s feminine they’ll still be called gay. But then that’s not gender-based as much as mildly homophobic, sort of.

But the point is that beyond a few slurs, most people are now able to be who they are, now. But it’s different if you’re trans*.

People (mostly cis, but also sadly others in the LGBT* community) thing that if you’re a trans*woman or trans*man, you will always conform to the stereotype of your chosen gender and repel everything that is associated with your given gender.

This couldn’t be more wrong. I’ve had my nails painted by a mate a few weeks ago so it looked like a galaxy was on my hands, but this makes me no less male than somebody born male who has the same thing done to them.

Sure, it makes me look gay, but I was never going to be a straight kid.

I’ve had first hand experience of a woman who felt the need to apologise because she was wearing more masculine clothes than usual.

I’m borrowing a phrase from Chase (this is him, he's one of the team on trans*tastic and a wonderful guy) , but there is no strict way to be trans*-anything, and no such thing as being trans* enough.

Everybody’s path is different, and people – weather trans* identifying or otherwise, are entitled to be themselves and take an steps necessary to achieve a ground they are comfortable with.

If somebody, during transition, changes their mind about anything, or feels like they need to take a break, it does not mean they are de-transitioning. Even if they are taking a dew steps back, or only taking one step, like changing their name but nothing else, or take no steps other than a nickname and open preference, only that person can determine if they are trans*.

This isn’t directly aimed at anybody, just something that has been bothering me, and of course not everybody is like this in their views, but this is my space.

It’s more that the small percentage that are disrespectful of other’s journeys, they are loud enough to cause trouble and be the very fact that posts like this need to be written.

On Families And Thoughts Regarding Them

As stated in the title part of this blog, these thoughts are my own, so I can only draw on my own experiences.

I write from a National Express coach on a return journey from Gothenburg, Sweden, where I spent the most part of my two week holiday with Moony. I have to go back to school tomorrow, but that isn’t something I want to be thinking about right now.

The time I spent in Gothenburg was the best succession of days I’ve ever experienced. Every single day was perfect and I wouldn’t have changed anything except for longer days and more time.

But it taught me something about how different my family is, and I know I prefer my parents-in-law to the ones I’m related to, however sad that may be.

Moony lives in a flat with her parents and shares a room with her younger brother by three years, whenever he isn’t staying at his school up North. The space isn’t plentiful, but the atmosphere is lovely.

The kitchen is big enough to dance in, as we discovered, and the views are magnificent given how beautiful the old architecture is. The bath is also a Jacuzzi and comfortably fits two people, and the shower is powerful but nice. There is mood lighting in the bedrooms and bathroom at least, a balcony that’s slightly higher than surrounding buildings, and a constant feeling that you’re incredibly safe and able to be yourself, no matter what that may entail.

But that’s just the space itself. The family is even better. Moony’s brother is adorable, and I want to protect him all the time, even though he’s older and taller than me. He’s really kind and funny, and spent time with us yesterday singing a duet of Whole New World from Aladdin with Moony, even though he had work to be doing. He chose to come and lay on our bed and talk to us, and genuinely seemed like he liked being there.

Moony’s parents work odd shifts, so they’re not around in the day, but they are on weekends. Her dad is incredibly camp, to the point of taking dance aerobic classes, and his voice is kind of high, but he’s one of those people that you feel calm around, like they all are. Sure, he has his bad sides, but he also has considerate sides. He hung out with us when we watched the latest Doctor Who last night, and looked upset when we went to be and left him in the living room.

And that’s not to forget Moony’s mum, who told me I’m always welcome with them, and told me I’m family now. We hung out a bit when Moony had an exam on Friday, and she helped me work out what to do with the flowers I’d spent that last of my money on.

Everybody gets on with everyone else, and they’re always in shared space that anybody can get to, to talk. It made me see how different my house is. My mum stays in the living room, sure, but everyone else is in their room all the time. I only emerge for food or tea, dad doesn’t even do that since he has a kettle in his room.

It’s tragic, and horrible, but I just don’t want to spend time with them that much. I become stressed and dysphoric, and forced to discuss things I don’t want to.

I was told fairly recently that I had to spend at least an hour most evenings downstairs so my parents can see me more, but my final exams are next month, and I’m terrified that I won’t get what I need to attend the University that gets me away from here, so I really need to stop being scared about it and start doing revision seriously, but I can’t do any of that downstairs with the TV on and everybody talking.

I feel like my life-related struggles may become a post of it’s own, so I’ll leave that there.

But here’s what I believe it comes down to. Some people are lucky enough to have a family dynamic that works very well, like Hermione Granger, the Weasleys, Harry (if his parents weren’t killed), but then there are families like the Malfoys, who just don’t really have the loving air that the others do. Or the Blacks, and how Sirius felt about them, how he ended up not living with them at all.

Be that as it may, we still have the ability to create the family we love and are loved by. You love your family sometimes because you’re forced to rather than genuine feelings, but non-blood family is something that grows and is chosen with care.

For instance, I consider my friend in America, Ivan, to be like my big brother, the one I can share sex-stories with (and other things of course) and go to for advice about things, and there’s a family friend who’s like a brother or cousin to me, who shows me really cool things.

I have a mate in Reading who is like a sister, and although we’ve never met, Mark Gatiss is like that cool Uncle that you hang out with on bank holidays and watch films with.

And then there’s my main family, Moony’s family.

And that’s how it works. It’s not foolproof, it’s not entirely coherent or anything that really counts, but family isn’t always about who you’re born into relations with. It’s about who you connect with.