Wearing Thin.

I said a while ago that I was amazed I hadn’t had a breakdown yet, considering how everything feels like it’s pressing in from all directions. Yesterday was nearly that day.

I got a B in half of my English Language mock, and a C+ in half of my English Literature mock. Normally, I’d be entirely thrilled about this, and knowing I got comfortably high As in my coursework means that my Lit would have been pushed up to a B, probably.

But for some reason it really got to me, and threw me off my guard. We practiced exam questions and I was so unsure of myself that I couldn’t do it. I nearly started crying several times even though I knew it was pointless.

I’ve started watching Supernatural when I feel like I need to calm down my senses, and I got a load of food to stock up on during my revision. The problem is still actually getting myself to revise.

The complete fear of not getting the grades I need are stopping me wanting to have anything to do with them. I absolutely need to get a B grade in Critical Thinking, but I have no idea if I’ll even be able to manage that. I’m starting to get the hang of terminology now, but there’s no way of knowing if I’ll get a good mark.

The stupid Government have made it so that as of next year, students are unable to retake exams, meaning we’ll all be stuck with whatever grade we got the first time around. For many students, that is actually going to signal the end of their educated dreams, if they have one bad day.

Small things are starting to annoy me again, as they did a while ago. Being asked to wash up when I had nothing to do with any of the plates or cups in the sink made me want to give up on everything. I get easily hurt by comments friends say, even though I know that’s just their style of things, and I’m so tired all of the time.

It’s been five weeks since my last therapy appointment, and I really think I need one, so despite a change in the system that means my appointments are starting to cost £5 now, and I have to organise a contract that I need to be there in person for. This means I won’t be able to sign it until the 28^th, when I can next get to Group and have an appointment, and it will have been nearly two months.

It’s all part of a new system in an attempt to achieve charity status and be funded that way. I can understand what’s going on, but I miss the old system that was a lot easier and I could get to better. Right now, I could really do with some counselling. The appointment is on the other side of my exams, and that’s what’s got me so stressed out at the moment.

I’m beginning to appreciate the small things I have that are worth my time to feel good. Crappy horror films and brilliantly written books still capture my interests, and every time I hear my name I get a wonderful feeling of belonging. So that’s something.