Double standards and public assumptions.

When I have kids, I'm going to teach them about double standards, and assumptions when they might be hurtful.

For example, I'll never tell the kid that they aren't allowed to wear the deodorant of whatever gender they aren't identifying as because they are not that gender and never will be, only to wear it myself at a later date and complain about it as if the conversation never happened.

I won't tell them to wash all their stuff up themselves and then leave my own in the sink for someone else. Or ask them not to eat things I've paid for myself and then eat their food.

Because what kind of a lifestyle is that promoting to the kid who's young and impressionable, or worse still, the kid who's in their late teens or early twenties, who can see what a load of crap it is to make demands and move against them as if you're above them?

That makes the kid feel like they're something less than equal in the family, and that's one way to make that kid feel something less than equal in the world.

Likewise, I'll teach that kid (or those kids, let's keep options open) to never just assume somebody's gender, because that's a sure-fire way of making that person feel like shit.

To pick an example seemingly at random; a quick survey, when every question is asked, including age, family size, shopping experience. I'll teach that kid that if they're ever doing those, or know someone who is, they should voice every question, not make an assumption on what gender somebody is by what they think is probably right. If that person is dressed in a masculine way, very clearly has a flat chest and low voice, surely they should be 'male'. Better yet, why not ask? Because that way that person is more inclined to answer honestly rather than make up any answers to the following questions in an attempt to get out of there, and that sample is thereby ruined. Because it was ruined the minute they put the wrong gender in the box. This may or may not be the entire core of the post.

An example like that is a very quick method to ruining a trans* person's day. Someone who's happy in the gender they were born as would probably shrug such an assumption off, grump or laugh about it but ultimately forget it. A trans* person may end up going home and spending a large space of time staring a themselves, wondering what more they can do to be read how they want, and ultimately end up doing everything to avoid doing anything like those surveys again for that one question, where there are only two boxes and very rarely an 'other' option.

SPACE. The Final Frontier.

Things are both looking up, in small ways.

I convinced my mum to get me a load of batteries, and with them I have given power to a model of the Moon that I have in my room. It's the size of a dinner plate and lights up when a control is pointed at it. The remote allows me to see what it looks like at different phases of the moon and freeze it at any point.

So I wanted this thing because, thanks to Star Trek, I've remember just how goddamn much I love space. When I was a kid me and my dad would spend ages in our garden, looking at the stars and working out which constellations there were in site. It's a hobby I fell out of touch with over time.

But I find it somehow comforting. There's so much life out there, and it's amazing to think that as I look out, there is probably something else looking back.

I also have a miniature planetarium that I've never managed to get working before due to battery size, but now I do. Sadly the batteries seem to wear out rather quickly, but I can work with that. It's like a see-through globe with a bulb in the middle that represents the earth and the globe is covered in constellations. There are glow-in-the-dark dots on the surface that represent the brightest stars so they are visible even when the light is off.

As I said, it's comforting. Especially since Kirk said Vulcan is located near the left star of the belt of Orion. So when I see that constellation, I know where it is.

And one of my best mates might be giving me his space-theme bed set because he has a different sized bed now. It glows in the dark too, which is fantastic.

In non-space related news, I appear to be passing very well!

On the bus yesterday I was sprawled across two chairs, reading on my phone, and this loudly talking obnoxious guy came over and said 'can I sit here?' while actually moving my bag for me before I had time to react. Rude.

But he said 'thanks lady' or something as I adjusted so he could sit down, and I just accepted it with an inward sigh but the bloke's female friend said 'you can't say that!' and he answered 'oh, it's a bloke? Really sorry, mate.'

I cannot tell you how happy I was. I just smiled, said it was alright, and kept my head down, worried that if I looked up too much my softish features would give me away. I did feel him staring a few times but I got away with it, I think. He had also commented 'well I can't tell any more', which was probably a comment on how androgynous people are these days, especially my age group, but Jesus, he really believed it. I passed to one of the most stereotypical male specimens I've ever seen.

The woman had even heard me talking to my mate, so knowing my voice didn't even give me away as trans* is fantastic.

And when I got home mum got me powder to make chocolate milkshake because we have too much milk. I have been ordered to drink lots. In the words of Mr Chekov, I can do zat.

Tomorrow I'm going to Reading while Moony celebrates Midsummer with her best friend, and I took today off school because I'm working on a transcript that's going to take me a very long time (18 pages, each page takes half an hour and I've only done 1) I decided I could take the time. I only have Critical Thinking and we don't actually study that any more.

And my brother is away for four weeks meaning his girlfriend and him can't get incredibly intimate while I'm just next door trying to pretend I can't hear anything.

So who knows. For now, at least, I'm in a good place.

New Years

New Years. I spent it watching Priscilla Queen of the Desert, dancing to ABBA and watching RENT, all with my partner over Skype. I tasted expensive alcohol that tasted like mozzarella, and thought about how much has changed.

Over the course of 365 days - or 525, 600 minutes, as RENT sing – I left one relationship that I never really cared about, and entered into the best one I could ask for. I had a few hair cuts, met some wonderful people in Dartmoor, went to Sweden for a weekend, and began planning my future.

And admitted that I’m male, to myself and my partner, and my family, in a sense.

I found a name that I like, that fits me better than the old one. It feels like it’s tailored to me, like nobody else ever had it, except the character I borrowed it from. I like how it sounds, how it looks, how it isn’t normal or expected, like myself.

I got a new ring that basically signals marriage in future, began honestly thinking about surgery, hormones, Universities, marriage, kids. I went to the Harry Potter studios and saw the Hobbit, and found two wonderful friends that both understand and accept everything I am or will be.

In 2011, I’d never have believed any of that, and all events are important and dear to me.

So this, here, is a memorial to all of that, and to everything that waits. I’ve spent a while thinking things over, and come to a conclusion of what I want to have achieved by the last day of 2013.

-         Have an actual binder. Desperately. For reasons that are pretty much obvious.

-         Get to Sweden, at least once. Summer. And for New Years, if we can manage it. And Easter, though that one is still in the wings.

-         Progress in any way possible to my transition. Tell people, get school to change my name, get my friends to adjust. Soon only my family will be the ones using the other name, which will make that the one that’s a problem. Show them that it isn’t a name nobody will take seriously, because Sweden is fine with it, so is America. So is bloody England.

-         ‘You Do You’. Brian Kinney in Queer As Folk says ‘no apologies, no regrets.’ And there aren’t any better words to live by. Maybe I can’t be ‘out and proud’ at home, but I can do it anywhere else.

-         Consider applying for Uni very soon. Those who apply in October are more likely to get where they want to than those in January. It’s just next year.

-         Work hard for exams. Revise properly. Brighton only allows BBB grades; I need to get there. Failing, Mark Gatiss went to Leeds, Benedict went to Manchester. But Brighton is the dream.

-         Get a councellor or therapist. My last sucked, but there are other options. There are ways.

That’s as far as I can get. Nothing else is possible until 2014, but it’s a good list as it stands.

Until there is another chance, unless I have a sudden chance, that’s the best I can do for now. I am ‘only’ 16, after all.

Speaking of 16. I notice I've had that many page views today. Thank you! And I have readers across the ocean. You can't believe how amazing that feels, really.