Keep Calm

Okay, so I've been beaten back into my metaphorical closet. But luckily enough, my closet is bigger on the inside.

I've explained to my real life friends, and my internet friends, and the support is phenominal. Aside from one friend originally refusing my name due to it's old fashioned origins, it's all good. And once I'd pointed out that that's rather the point, going by my love of all things Victorian, she saw my reasoning and agreed that maybe it is perfect. However she's shortened it to Lock. And my partner will use Lo or a variation thereof because in Swedish my name doesn't work at all.


I found this story. Seems So Easy for Everybody Else by etothepii. Seeing my own emotions and situation reflected in that of Charlotte/Sherlock, to the point of not being able to tell everyone and spending his childhood wondering if there was something wrong, it gives me hope. And in the comment section, there was a large amount of people who were also Trans* saying they'd cried over how accurate this story is. To know that I'm not the only person in the world, to SEE comments from people, it helped more than I ever thought possible.

So I'm content to just stay who everyone wants me to be, to respond to my given name, but here, in this wonderful thing called the internet, I can be who I really want to be.

His joy is my grief.

I've stumbled upon some documentaries on Channel 4, which I'm watching online only, about Trans* people going through the stages of becoming who they really are.

The title is a quote from the mother of Jonathan, the main focus of the first show I tried out, 'the boy who was born a girl'. I sympathise with Jon completely. He's my age, but has already begun the hormone treatment required to truly become a young man. While looking at photos of 'Natasha', he explained that he really didn't see a girl. He saw a man in drag, as he so bluntly put it. He'd never felt comfortable as Natasha, and when he first had all these thoughts and feelings they made him confused and frustrated. It was almost like watching a documentary of myself, except that I just felt relief when I worked it out. I wasn't the only person like this, but like Jon I hadn't considered that there was another option to being who society raised me to be.

His mother is amazingly supportive and he's so incredibly brave to be going through this in school. But while I'm overwhelmingly happy for him, I'm also getting a ton of painful feelings because my own parents told me to 'think it over' and come back to them when I'm 18, and that I was only being influenced by people I met online. True, at my age, especially then, I was susceptible to suggestion, but I'm wise and mature for my age, which should have been obvious.

I've tried to not think about it for a year, going so far as to force myself to not go there when my mind started to wonder, and I stopped going online at all, stopped visiting the blogs I frequented and asking people to not call my my chosen name, but to revert to my given one, but I literally can't do that any more. That's another reason for this blog. I don't trust diaries, since they're easy to get into and read, and where better to put my thoughts than the internet, where I can't exactly be judged too harshly, and even if I do, it doesn't matter.

Sometimes the sheer mass of what I'm thinking and feeling becomes almost overwhelming, and I feel nauseous when it's at it's worse. It is such a big change, bigger than just realising you're gay (not that that isn't a big thing in itself) but you are in fact asking the world to see you differently, to address you differently and respect you as someone you once were not. But at the same time I'm painstakingly aware that I can't go on being who I am forever. I'm just not comfortable with it and never have been. Getting changed at school has been difficult since I was very young, discussing feminine things, swimming pools, it all just screams wrong at me. I even had to refuse going to the prom, simply because wearing a dress is everything I'm not and I wasn't allowed to have a suit instead.

As Jon said, if I could just get rid of the gender dysphoria and be who I was born as, that would just be amazing, but as it is, life is hardly worth living if you're not happy with who you are. I can't see myself idolising women, and I've always preferred male characters (a prime example is my strong wish to be Peter Pan since I was seven years old and first saw the Disney film, or wanting to be Red Ranger instead of Pink or Yellow).

Still, I've got to wait a few years to re-explain myself, and then I need a psychiatrist just in case I haven't been sure of my identity since I was 15 and then two years living as my preferred self before I'm permitted surgery. So... early 20's. It's a long time stamp, but it will be so very worth it.

Sympathy for the Dalek - An extended metaphor.

Doctor Who, Series One, Episode Six, Dalek. 2005.

I stumbled across this episode today, and suddenly it struck me. This Dalek is different. He begins to feel something other than the 'seek and destroy' mindset that all genetically engineered Dalek's are given. From the very moment Rose Tyler stupidly puts her hand to it's metal casing, it begins to doubt it's given role.

This Dalek is, in it's own alien way, Trans*. This entire episode is just amazing and I can't sing it's praises enough, it's full of so many emotions and Eccleston holds his own so very well, but the main part that stands out is the confusion the Dalek feels. This is a being that isn't designed to have emotions and suddenly had them thrown at it. All it wants is freedom.

My heart goes out to this Dalek, who can't understand what it's suddenly feeling and why it hasn't killed Rose. It chants 'what am I?' and questions itself. This poor Dalek is experiencing what so many people do. It wonders what will become of it now that it has this new outlook. It's heartbreaking when it admits to Rose that it's scared, and that it can die because it's met a human who wasn't afraid. I have many emotions for this Dalek.

Sadly, it chooses the easy way out, which is understandable given that this is still a Dalek, one of the supreme race, who believes all of it's other race to be dead.

At the end, when it opens up to feel the sunlight, that is like Transitioning (a term I generally dislike because it implies moving from one gender to another, which isn't always the case) but all it wants is to try to work out what is going on in it's befuddled mind.

'You've obsorbed her DNA. You're mutating.'
'Into what?'
'Something new.'

To Be Or Not to Be Part II

On a side note, a lot of the time I wake up with the intention to be neither. I just want to be 'Sam'. That was the reason for cutting my hair and so on. My voice is naturally boy like (and when I'm ill I sound like a posh schoolboy apparently) and many of my clothes are not form-fitting, but that doesn't define my gender any more or less.

Which brings about the question 'is "male" a more neutral gender?' because if I had a higher voice and feminine curves with form-fitting tees and so on, I would instantly be seen as a girl, but as it is, in baggy clothes and a shorter haircut, the 'is that a boy or a girl?' situation happens more often.

I guess that's just more of the sexist mindset that we're all taught from a young age.

To Be Or Not To Be.

Since I can't directly identify as male or female, part of the morning ritual of every day consists of 'so what do I want to be today?' Of course, this only changes how I dress, since I can't change my thoughts or name, but it still helps me work out what or who I am that day. Sometimes I don't even change out of pyjamas, and I rarely leave my room, so it's not such a big deal, but it feels like it needs to be verified.

Last year, I helped out at a community project, and when they were packing up, I befriended this little boy, who's name may have been Jack, so let's assume it is here. He must have been about seven years old.

We started talking about Doctor Who, since that's my default conversation starter and I figured he's a boy, he must love this stuff. Yes this is sexist and I should know better but let's be serious that's all I know how to talk about. Ben 10 was later a part of our conversation too, and I remember explaining why Han Solo was my favourite Star Wars character. We sat opposite each other of the grass and compared favourite episodes, monsters, doctors, and it was brilliant. After a while he got bored of sitting down and demanded we play chase, which suited me fine and kept us out of the way of the grown ups trying to pack up.

At some point his friend came over and asked my name, I told them my given name, not wanting to cause complications and feeling quite sad that this charade was over. Luckily, Jack hadn't come across it, so it changed nothing. The friend, however, stated that that is a girls name, and poor little Jack was so confused. I have a distinct memory of him asking directly if I were a boy or a girl, and being convinced I couldn't possibly be a girl because of how much I know about Doctor Who. I carefully explained that girls can like that too, but it was a little more complicated than that, since I am sort of both, but he could call me whatever he liked.I even offered my old chosen name, which he seemed to prefer.

We all carried on playing chase and discussing Who, and at the end of the day, he came back to hug me and give me a high five, even going so far as the check that we were friends and ask if we'd see each other next time.  I told him we were, and yes, we would. I haven't seen him since, but there haven't been any events that his mum has helped at.

I like to think that kid mentioned me on the way home, if only to ask if it's possible to be both. I felt accomplished, and completely content, since on that day I certainly was a boy, but on other days I'm not.

I start a sixth form in a few months, and before that I have a two week thing at Dartmoor, and it will be interesting to see how it goes there. I obviously won't be able to get away with no one working out my gender from my given name, but I may get a few other questions that should be interesting. I'll have to pack a few clothes for each scenario, in case I wake up wanting to dress more feminine,  but that's all fine. I'm already fairly sure I'll be the only 'girl' there who likes the boyish stuff and isn't into who's hot and so on. But let's not be downhearted. It could be better than that.

As you can see, that was just a way to tell this one touching story, but it also is all true. I do need to check with myself before I start my day, and this may become more important when I start education again after the hiatus.