Reflections on T and Identitity.

The following two texts were previously typed at school on separate days but I was too lazy to upload them, so you're getting a bundle of entries now.

This one is from Tuesday.

This is being written in my Sixth Form cafeteria. I have two free lessons, and nobody else does, so I’m taking some time out. The school wifi is terrible, I can’t get to any site I usually visit. The only thing that works is bloody google. And that can’t lead anywhere interesting. I’m typing this into Word to copy in later. I’ll ask about the plugs in registration, for later use. I have this double every two weeks, after all.

I woke up at 7:40am today. Which is when my friend usually leaves his house to meet me. I woke as he texted to tell me he was leaving, and fell into my clothes. I brushed my teeth so fast my hand was blurry.

Either way, it resulted in being too late to work out my binder, and I really could have done with it today.

   My partner comforted me by telling me she’d explained my situation, name, gender to her parents, and is now referring to me as Lorcan to everyone. In Sweden, I am truly who I want to be, and that affects me a lot more than it should. Her parents asked questions, but only to be sure of pronouns. Her dad helped pick my Christmas present. I know what I’m getting her, but she reads this so I can’t say it. But this means so much to me I can’t put it into words. I might have to draw some sort of thing to say thankyou or to show my feelings. I don’t know. Nothing will be enough.

There are supposed to be plugs in the cafeteria. I’ve seen them. I’m sat next to one. But I can’t open the cover to get to it. So my laptop will die in about 25 minutes, leaving me with another hour. Luckily, I have Chamber of Secrets, my sketch book and my notebook. And of course my MP3, which is charging right now.

  I can’t draw really, but I have an idea of something that I’d like to try out. It’s not the nicest of ideas, but I’ve been inspired by Copper Rose, a tumblr page I follow.

I’ve been thinking about T. I think I may result in taking it. I was considering only 25g, but realised last night that while it would slightly change my figure, which is already slightly androgynous and lacks curves at all, and maybe my voice just slightly, it won’t stop the bloody annoying week that happens every month. That seriously needs to go. So… Who even knows. I’ll ask my therapist whenever I get one. Whenever I’m allowed one and my parents won’t kick off about it. My partner is going to be a nurse, so she can help me every week I need to inject it.

I can’t wait for the day that people try to do an impression of me and need to lower their voice, though. That will be a nice day.

Oh shit. Laptop battery.

Uncle Mark

Let's get this done first. I have had 100 page views. That's fantastic! Not sure what to say about, but triple figures felt like an important moment. I've had no comments or messages ever though, so I'm not sure if just my partner 100 times or other people too. I'm not fussed, since this is just for thoughts, not popularity, so it's all fine.

I should really doing my Media homework, in which I've chosen Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy and am exploring the different forms of media it appears in, but instead I tagged along with my mum to a photo shoot of sorts with James and Uncle Mark for their album cover.
  James is a family friend who's trying to be a writer but foolishly read his work through before he finished and now can't complete his currently 40,000 word novel. Uncle Mark isn't actually my uncle, but is my friend's. I called him it once and my friend asked him if he'd be my uncle, and he was fine with it. Also, just 'Mark' makes me think of Gatiss.
  They recreated the famous Kray's photo below, despite Mark looking more like a mix between Gatiss, Johnny Lee Miller, and Jeremy Renner, especially with a beard Gatiss uses sometimes. And James has a long hair that is kind of a long bowl cut, curling inwards slightly at the bottom around chin-length. After the Kray photo, uncle Mark played the piano in the corner barefoot as a tribute to Lennon while James sat on top of it. The photos were seriously awesome.






He is by far my favourite uncle. While James and mum left to have a cigarette we discussed sixth form, university and how we both love to stay up until 4am, but once it starts getting light you think 'I really shouldn't be up right now' or, when you lose track completely and think your watch must be lying to you. One the way home he admitted he was going to change out of his suit because he didn't mind wearing it but it makes him think of times when he had to be someone he is not, and he should be heading home right about now actually, as I write this, on the train back to Waterloo. We bitched about annoying women and someone behind him one time who seemed to be going through her entire phonebook, ringing them to tell them she was on a train.
  When we had to part he told me he wishes me the best of luck with my A levels and he'll probably see me next month, since my friend tells me he's coming down and I come visit them both. He added that he's glad I'm friends with his niece, she needs more friends like me, and to try to keep her in line.
  As a side note, I noticed he had a wedding ring on, a simple silver band with slightly raised edges to make a sort of valley between them, and asked my friend about it via text. I needn't have, since he mentioned his husband. This man gets better and better. He's quietly camp, thin, tall and just generally funny and nice. Me and my friend are thinking of staying with him overnight or something when Thor 2 comes out, because we want to see it in London and staying with him is better than a hotel, which I doubt we'd be allowed.
  So that was a bit of an appreciation post.

In other news, I helped at wedding yesterday with a family friend's company that uses fine bone china and serves tea and stuff, and while I was clearing up, I heard someone mention Asexuality. I couldn't join in, of course, since I'm just staff, but it was lovely to hear it and know other people know it exists. I forget sometimes that not everyone is clueless and disbelieving.
  My mum told me I'd be the 'right hand man' to one of the people who run the small company, and that really felt good, even if she didn't mean it how I took it.

I've been looking around a few blogs, mostly run by Transmen, just to keep grounded on it all, and see how other people are doing, and one guy posted a double picture of him before going onto Testosterone and 1 and a half years later. His face had narrowed out, he said his hips got slimmer, and he took on a much more male appearance, however his hairline went back just slightly, as it would for a guy in his early 20's, since female's hairline is further forward naturally. Starting to think it might be worth the eventual hairloss.
  Also watched as a kid, Ethan, from France, injected their first T dose, to show how not scary it is, and document it. The jealousy hurt a little, but it looks so easy. I don't know. I might go for it in the end.
  My partner said when we'd first met, last November, she's thought I was a guy. I'd been wearing a blue hoodie that effectively hides my torso and a neckscarf over that to disguise myself, and my hair was a little longer, but she had no idea until I had to write my name in the book I was having signed. I figured that's a good sign my voice is deep enough, since it's deeper than most of my given gender, but even when dressed to present as male I still get female pronouns. So I'm not so sure any more. Although, that may be because of the ring I wear, the one my partner gave me. It's distinctly femme.
  Last night, she was having a drink and hanging out with some friends at her friend's house, and told me she'd mentioned me only as Lo, since Lorcan in Swedish is difficult, and Lo is a gender neutral name. To know I'm who I want to be - in another country - is comforting.

Right, need to be working.

Keep Calm

Okay, so I've been beaten back into my metaphorical closet. But luckily enough, my closet is bigger on the inside.

I've explained to my real life friends, and my internet friends, and the support is phenominal. Aside from one friend originally refusing my name due to it's old fashioned origins, it's all good. And once I'd pointed out that that's rather the point, going by my love of all things Victorian, she saw my reasoning and agreed that maybe it is perfect. However she's shortened it to Lock. And my partner will use Lo or a variation thereof because in Swedish my name doesn't work at all.


I found this story. Seems So Easy for Everybody Else by etothepii. Seeing my own emotions and situation reflected in that of Charlotte/Sherlock, to the point of not being able to tell everyone and spending his childhood wondering if there was something wrong, it gives me hope. And in the comment section, there was a large amount of people who were also Trans* saying they'd cried over how accurate this story is. To know that I'm not the only person in the world, to SEE comments from people, it helped more than I ever thought possible.

So I'm content to just stay who everyone wants me to be, to respond to my given name, but here, in this wonderful thing called the internet, I can be who I really want to be.