To Be Or Not To Be.

Since I can't directly identify as male or female, part of the morning ritual of every day consists of 'so what do I want to be today?' Of course, this only changes how I dress, since I can't change my thoughts or name, but it still helps me work out what or who I am that day. Sometimes I don't even change out of pyjamas, and I rarely leave my room, so it's not such a big deal, but it feels like it needs to be verified.

Last year, I helped out at a community project, and when they were packing up, I befriended this little boy, who's name may have been Jack, so let's assume it is here. He must have been about seven years old.

We started talking about Doctor Who, since that's my default conversation starter and I figured he's a boy, he must love this stuff. Yes this is sexist and I should know better but let's be serious that's all I know how to talk about. Ben 10 was later a part of our conversation too, and I remember explaining why Han Solo was my favourite Star Wars character. We sat opposite each other of the grass and compared favourite episodes, monsters, doctors, and it was brilliant. After a while he got bored of sitting down and demanded we play chase, which suited me fine and kept us out of the way of the grown ups trying to pack up.

At some point his friend came over and asked my name, I told them my given name, not wanting to cause complications and feeling quite sad that this charade was over. Luckily, Jack hadn't come across it, so it changed nothing. The friend, however, stated that that is a girls name, and poor little Jack was so confused. I have a distinct memory of him asking directly if I were a boy or a girl, and being convinced I couldn't possibly be a girl because of how much I know about Doctor Who. I carefully explained that girls can like that too, but it was a little more complicated than that, since I am sort of both, but he could call me whatever he liked.I even offered my old chosen name, which he seemed to prefer.

We all carried on playing chase and discussing Who, and at the end of the day, he came back to hug me and give me a high five, even going so far as the check that we were friends and ask if we'd see each other next time.  I told him we were, and yes, we would. I haven't seen him since, but there haven't been any events that his mum has helped at.

I like to think that kid mentioned me on the way home, if only to ask if it's possible to be both. I felt accomplished, and completely content, since on that day I certainly was a boy, but on other days I'm not.

I start a sixth form in a few months, and before that I have a two week thing at Dartmoor, and it will be interesting to see how it goes there. I obviously won't be able to get away with no one working out my gender from my given name, but I may get a few other questions that should be interesting. I'll have to pack a few clothes for each scenario, in case I wake up wanting to dress more feminine,  but that's all fine. I'm already fairly sure I'll be the only 'girl' there who likes the boyish stuff and isn't into who's hot and so on. But let's not be downhearted. It could be better than that.

As you can see, that was just a way to tell this one touching story, but it also is all true. I do need to check with myself before I start my day, and this may become more important when I start education again after the hiatus.