I just accidentally brought up the topic of my last post; my motivation. My mother said my motivation is not having to do all this next year. She's obviously wrong, because I'll still have exams next year, and probably for the next four years of my life.
It boils down to their belief that all I concentrate on is Sweden, Supernatural, Sherlock and Doctor Who. According to them, I'm a bright kid, and if I applied myself better, I'd get the grades I want. But it doesn't matter to them because it's my life and my choice. They're not angry about it, they just accept this about me.
This is a long standing argument based on the fact that I only really talk about the above (because school is uninteresting and I know they don't care) and my unexpected grade in my Critical Thinking exam back in January. I got 50 points out of 100, however the system works, and that is halfway to a D overall when added with the exam next month. To get the B Brighton wants me to have, I would have to be near perfect in my May exam. That clearly isn't going to happen. So I'm resitting.
When my family heard this, they assumed it's my fault and that I didn't work enough. Okay, perhaps I could have done a little more, but a classmate of mine revised solidly for weeks and got the same grade as me. The best mark anybody got was on the way to a C.
I tried explaining that the topic is difficult to revise for, as previously mentioned a few posts back, but they didn't seem to understand. They don't get how important I find getting out of here to be, and that I honestly thought the exam went well. I underestimated what was required of me, and I've learnt from it. I'm working on it.
But their lack of belief in me, or the belief that I need to try harder, is incredibly unhelpful. How can I rely on them for support if what I'm doing is never enough? Worse still, when I left to make tea because I couldn't stand it any more and I needed a comforting ritual, they were laughing.
So here is an accurate representation of what my parents believe me to be thinking about, and what I really am concentrating on at any one time.
Red Crayon: Sweden // Blue Crayon: Supernatural // Green Crayon: Sherlock // Yellow Crayon: Doctor Who // Purple Pen: School // Orange Highlighter: Trans* Crap // Blue Highlighter: I need to get out of here // Purple Pencil: Can I handle a job? I have to // Black: Friends/Social life // Blue Pen: Family-related teen angst // Gold: DYSPHORIA
It's not accident that the two highlighters are next to each other, or that the blue highlighter and purple pencil are side by side. Same with gold and the blue pen. They go hand in hand. And the gold is dysphoria because it stands out. It's unavoidable and unique to the other colours because dypshoria is unique to everybody.
The first is my parent's view, the second is the truth.
As you can see, they're right about Sweden. Or rather, Moony. Yes, I spend a lot of time thinking about her, but I feel entitled, since we're pretty much married.
But there the similarities stop. I barely spend that much time on Sherlock any more, or Who. Supernatural, yes. But fandoms are something I need to get by. School work rivals my time spend with or thinking about Moony, so it's clearly not something I don't care about. And Trans* issues affect me daily. I always have the knowledge that I'm going through something not many other people I know have, and it's a little isolating sometimes. It makes me feel like I have to get away, as shown. It makes me determined to get a job because I need to see the Uni places I am considering. I barely have a social life, besides hanging out with a mate I'll name Dean, since I keep calling him it by accident, and a handful of others every Friday at Dean's house.
And my family angst is constant. Hard not to be, since I'm living with them. Mum asked where I'd like to go in the UK, for a holiday since it's probably the last year we'll all be together. I told her Wales or Edinburgh, and by the sounds of it we'll be camping there and that means not much phone time if I want to have any energy left on my battery. I'll be alone with them, and it may be hell, but I'll be in a setting I've never been in and that may be enough, if I can get away regularly. The last time we went camping I was told I probably wouldn't be 'like this' if I'd been forced towards pink and barbies instead of Doctor Who and Star Wars.
I didn't group trans* crap with dysphoria because they feel different. Anything can trigger it, and it's horrible to cope with. It deserves it's own group.
So by telling me to focus more, my family have forced me away from revising to make this post, in an attempt to calm my nerves. I haven't had a therapy session since the day before I left to see Moony, so this is my only outlet.
