Monday, 30 July 2012

Sympathy for the Dalek - An extended metaphor.

Doctor Who, Series One, Episode Six, Dalek. 2005.

I stumbled across this episode today, and suddenly it struck me. This Dalek is different. He begins to feel something other than the 'seek and destroy' mindset that all genetically engineered Dalek's are given. From the very moment Rose Tyler stupidly puts her hand to it's metal casing, it begins to doubt it's given role.

This Dalek is, in it's own alien way, Trans*. This entire episode is just amazing and I can't sing it's praises enough, it's full of so many emotions and Eccleston holds his own so very well, but the main part that stands out is the confusion the Dalek feels. This is a being that isn't designed to have emotions and suddenly had them thrown at it. All it wants is freedom.

My heart goes out to this Dalek, who can't understand what it's suddenly feeling and why it hasn't killed Rose. It chants 'what am I?' and questions itself. This poor Dalek is experiencing what so many people do. It wonders what will become of it now that it has this new outlook. It's heartbreaking when it admits to Rose that it's scared, and that it can die because it's met a human who wasn't afraid. I have many emotions for this Dalek.

Sadly, it chooses the easy way out, which is understandable given that this is still a Dalek, one of the supreme race, who believes all of it's other race to be dead.

At the end, when it opens up to feel the sunlight, that is like Transitioning (a term I generally dislike because it implies moving from one gender to another, which isn't always the case) but all it wants is to try to work out what is going on in it's befuddled mind.

'You've obsorbed her DNA. You're mutating.'
'Into what?'
'Something new.'

Sunday, 29 July 2012

To Be Or Not to Be Part II

On a side note, a lot of the time I wake up with the intention to be neither. I just want to be 'Sam'. That was the reason for cutting my hair and so on. My voice is naturally boy like (and when I'm ill I sound like a posh schoolboy apparently) and many of my clothes are not form-fitting, but that doesn't define my gender any more or less.

Which brings about the question 'is "male" a more neutral gender?' because if I had a higher voice and feminine curves with form-fitting tees and so on, I would instantly be seen as a girl, but as it is, in baggy clothes and a shorter haircut, the 'is that a boy or a girl?' situation happens more often.

I guess that's just more of the sexist mindset that we're all taught from a young age.

To Be Or Not To Be.

Since I can't directly identify as male or female, part of the morning ritual of every day consists of 'so what do I want to be today?' Of course, this only changes how I dress, since I can't change my thoughts or name, but it still helps me work out what or who I am that day. Sometimes I don't even change out of pyjamas, and I rarely leave my room, so it's not such a big deal, but it feels like it needs to be verified.

Last year, I helped out at a community project, and when they were packing up, I befriended this little boy, who's name may have been Jack, so let's assume it is here. He must have been about seven years old.

We started talking about Doctor Who, since that's my default conversation starter and I figured he's a boy, he must love this stuff. Yes this is sexist and I should know better but let's be serious that's all I know how to talk about. Ben 10 was later a part of our conversation too, and I remember explaining why Han Solo was my favourite Star Wars character. We sat opposite each other of the grass and compared favourite episodes, monsters, doctors, and it was brilliant. After a while he got bored of sitting down and demanded we play chase, which suited me fine and kept us out of the way of the grown ups trying to pack up.

At some point his friend came over and asked my name, I told them my given name, not wanting to cause complications and feeling quite sad that this charade was over. Luckily, Jack hadn't come across it, so it changed nothing. The friend, however, stated that that is a girls name, and poor little Jack was so confused. I have a distinct memory of him asking directly if I were a boy or a girl, and being convinced I couldn't possibly be a girl because of how much I know about Doctor Who. I carefully explained that girls can like that too, but it was a little more complicated than that, since I am sort of both, but he could call me whatever he liked.I even offered my old chosen name, which he seemed to prefer.

We all carried on playing chase and discussing Who, and at the end of the day, he came back to hug me and give me a high five, even going so far as the check that we were friends and ask if we'd see each other next time.  I told him we were, and yes, we would. I haven't seen him since, but there haven't been any events that his mum has helped at.

I like to think that kid mentioned me on the way home, if only to ask if it's possible to be both. I felt accomplished, and completely content, since on that day I certainly was a boy, but on other days I'm not.

I start a sixth form in a few months, and before that I have a two week thing at Dartmoor, and it will be interesting to see how it goes there. I obviously won't be able to get away with no one working out my gender from my given name, but I may get a few other questions that should be interesting. I'll have to pack a few clothes for each scenario, in case I wake up wanting to dress more feminine,  but that's all fine. I'm already fairly sure I'll be the only 'girl' there who likes the boyish stuff and isn't into who's hot and so on. But let's not be downhearted. It could be better than that.

As you can see, that was just a way to tell this one touching story, but it also is all true. I do need to check with myself before I start my day, and this may become more important when I start education again after the hiatus.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

I may not know what I'm doing but I know I'm doing it.

This blog's main purpose is to work as a soundboard for my thoughts. I've identified as Trans* for a while now and some friends of mine used the term genderfucked to describe themselves, which works perfectly for me. I'm not entirely sure of exactly who I am, so I intend to work it out here.

Sam Hall isn't my given name, and by no means is it the one I plan to stick with. It's merely a working title, so to speak. I see myself as neither completely female nor entirely male, so a gender-neutral name is best for me. Sam is not only the name of a character I base on myself, but it's also the name of some characters I admire greatly. Hall has no meaning, since the original idea was to get the initials SH after Sherlock Holmes, my hero. I'm partial to Adric, after a Doctor Who companion I adore, but it's all just speculation for now.

I'm asexual, and since realising my true identity have had one girlfriend who I introduced myself to with both my given and chosen name, and, while instantly accepting my new preferences, she didn't quite see my asexuality as a good thing or something she could work with, so we had to part ways.

I do, however, have a long lasting and fantastic relationship with my new partner, who only recently learnt about my identity and originally assumed I was a boy until I was forced to give my name due to the event we were attending, which was ideal since I was partly seeing myself as one at the time. She wholeheartedly accepts who I am and is proud of me no matter what I choose to do with my gender or life, and having her to support me was the basis of this blog.

Overall, I consider myself a transgender asexual who loves based on feelings and interest rather than gender and attraction, So now all of that is out of the way, I can get down to business and keep my thoughts tracked on here.