Saturday, 28 December 2013

Just.... Sometimes.

I've always thought that gender is fluid, and I've long understood that some days, I feel like nothing fits me. Yes, I predominantly use and prefer male pronouns, but sometimes I don't.

I use the term genderqueer, because it seems to fit me best, but I think that's wrong now. Not by much, but slightly wrong.

Lately, I've lapsed into thinking about nail polish, I've had days where I feel perfectly content in tighter cut shirts that on other days make me feel utterly wrong.

I think that sometimes, just sometimes, I might like being a girl? It's weird, and it feels like I'm born male and considering being female sometimes, but that's just how I feel recently.

I haven't had much time to consider it with coming to Sweden and Moony dealing with a lot of stuff, but I really do wake up sometimes unsure who I feel like that day.

Hell if I'm going to mention this, to anyone but Moony, because it's difficult enough to convince people to accept my transition, and I do still want to transition. There is no doubt in my mind about that.

I just... I might sometimes wear more androgynous things, or things that boys would never dream of unless they were curious.

Lately, me and Moony have noticed my voice change. I've been told before that I sound more male, deeper. But lately, it seems to have reversed. Moony said something last night, and I suddenly realised how much lower her voice is than mine, and I don't know when this happened.

I guess we'll see how it goes. I'll try to work out what's happening and report back.

Thursday, 26 December 2013

It was the heat of the moment.

We've fallen upon some hard times recently, but I feel like there are good sides to this, as I always manage to feel in every situation with an annoying level of optimism.

Yes, me and Moony are temporarily homeless, sleeping on her brother's couch rather than spending another night in her previous living space, but it could be worse.

We spent the evening playing Cards Against Humanity and singing One Direction songs. As a small family.

We have made a lot of snap decisions recently, and felt like we didn't have much time to relax until last night since christmas eve evening. 

You know, I actually forgot it was Christmas. So much has happened that it escaped my attention.

But last night, I feel like we learnt the value of taking every second as it comes, of appreciating those closest to you and just living life.

Because sometimes, I think we could forget that. We spend so much time planning ahead that when we are suddenly stripped of that luxury, we feel lost and out of our depth.

I think at times like that, all you can do is take a step back and appreciate the things in life that you do still have.

Like right now, we have a warm place to stay, and tonight we'll be in a more permanent location. We got pizza for dinner last night and played a fantastic game. And we're safe now. Moony can't be hurt, we're going to be okay.

We are always okay.