Moony's flight screwed up.
She had to be sent home.
She won't be here until Monday night.
When I found out, I felt so sick I nearly ran to the bathroom, and it has only recently gone away to be replaced by the crippling agony of devastation.
I left my bedroom this morning with my only concern being that we'd be on the streets tonight. To be honest, I was prepared for it. I've always wondered what it would be like, and while it wasn't ideal, we'd be together. I hadn't anticipated that there might be a problem with the plane.
It seems like a plane caught fire in Heathrow, so the Gothenburg flight had to be redirected. Once they'd landed on Swedish soil again, Heathrow was open. Fucking typical.
I feel disconnected. I don't understand why this had to happen to us now. I'm devastated. My friend, who's dad was kind enough to offer us lodgings, tried to cheer me up, but it's difficult when right now, I should be waiting for Moony. I can't breathe properly, I've got a headache, I'm constantly close to breaking down.
And now I have the dilemma of Pride.
I'm torn. I don't want to go because Moony isn't there, and I don't want to upset her by going. Well, I already have by saying I want to. But here's the thing.
Being at home is like being in prison. I get triggered daily, I can't be myself, I get verbally abused and nobody seems to have any respect for what I want. But I want to be in Bournemouth tomorrow.
Pride is like being at group, where everyone understands, everyone sympathises. But on a wider scale. The atmosphere is brilliant, and even if I can't be happy, I can appreciate everyone else being happy.
I have to kill this weekend somehow and moping around at home isn't going to do any favours. I'm going to spend it hating myself and the universe in general.
I spend so much of my life not doing something because I hate confrontation and change. I've filled out the name changing forms about 20 times now and I never go through with it because I'm scared of what my family will say to me. I never correct my family for naming or gendering me wrong because I know they don't want to hear it and won't try to get it.
I don't want this to be another one of those things that I could have gone to, something I could have felt a little more normal at, but I passed it up. Hell, I fought to get to London on November 2nd 2011, and I met the person I'm spending my life with.
But I don't want Moony to think this is more important than her, because it fucking isn't. But... I don't know what else to do. I can't be here, though, having to handle my mum saying 'it's just a few days, why the hell are you so upset?' like she already called me to do while I was nearly breaking down on the train home.
I can't handle it. I need to get out some energy.
I'm so sorry, love. I'm sorry I'm not going to be here tomorrow. I'm sorry I upset you. I'm sorry about this entire thing and I'm sorry I'm too weak to not go. But this situation, it almost feels like I have even more reason. I need to be reminded that it's alright, and there is still actual hope in the world for people like us. I'm a tosser, I know, but in the evening I'll be back, and we can write, and it'll be one day closer. Again.
I just hope this doesn't become another thing I look back on and hate myself for. Please. Forgive me.
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