The second was a strong, painful feeling of dysphoria. I've not had to deal with it for a long time, and it threw my apart completely.
I confided in my partner when I eventually got my twitter direct messages to work, and she asked what triggered it. The answer is plain and simple; my grandparents yesterday. I always feel on edge around them, like I have to strive to be something I'm not around them, and it made me re-evaluate myself. I also apparently have a hairstyle like my mother did when she was younger, so I kept being jokingly called her name.
The point of my haircut was to (subtly) make me feel a little more male, to look it. It must have worked, if that lovely bus driver last week is anything to go by. But to have it ruined by 'your mum had that style!' made me want to curl up and give in to what everyone expects of me.
I've been pushed back into my closet twice now by my parents, and that really isn't helping.
Before I could go and make a sandwich my partner taught me how to create to feel better, and watch an episode of Supernatural to root myself, I was forced by my thoughts into my binding, which was done crappily, I'll admit that now. I've fixed it, but the need to feel restricted and present as male when I stare into the big mirror in the living room was almost overpowering.
Getting dressed today was a dilemma. I've posted before about how I wake up wondering who I want to be today, and then dressing accordingly, but today I wanted to wear a tee my friend gave me three years ago, the last time I saw her. It's got a cupcake on it, with 'yummy' over it. It's clearly feminine but I didn't want to present as it. Throwing caution to the wind I put it on anyway. Now even I can't tell what I'm supposed to be. And I'm not entirely sure if that's good or not. Probably not. I don't know any more.
My partner said fairly recently that she feels awful that such a normal and necessary task as showering and getting dressed is difficult for me, and I repeat what I said just over a month ago. If I could just be happy with my given gender, that would be fabulous. But clearly that's not the case.
Another point I've noticed is that I have always put a full stop after my name, whatever name I use. It's something I'm happy with, and feel quite partial to, now I think about it. The full stop shows that that's it. It's just a name. Who we are inside is up to us, but our name shows who we want the world to judge us as. So when I eventually get myself around to writing my chosen name on forms and such, I'm going to use a full stop, even if it's in the middle of a sentence, because why the fuck not.
There's a blog, (in)visibly queer, and I respect them so much. Ze is called elle, lower case, because she doesn't want a name to be what defines who he is, rather be just a word. Hir also uses mosaic pronouns, if you'd not noticed, meaning it goes by whatever they want or the person talking to them feels comfortable with. She is openly queer and comfortable with who they are, and I'm going to send them an e-mail letting hir know how much I value their posts, they remind me it isn't just me. I'm also going to ask what forms of meditation hir uses, to see if they'll help at all.
I'm currently dealing with my dysphoria by listening to Gaydar Radio, letting the thumpa thumpa, the beat that beats my heart for me, and getting on with my work. I can't ignore it forever, but I can't do anything about it either. I already know I can't tell my parents.
Sick as it is, I'd happily - already, cautiously - put up with the verbal/physical abuse I will inevitably get when I come out to the world, because I'll be who I am. And that is worth everything to me. This looks and sounds horrible, like I want to be bullied. I don't, I just desperately want to be myself. Do you.
No comments:
Post a Comment