So what if I love each feather and each bangle, why not try to see things from a different angle?

Jake and Alex got invited to Summer In The City (basically LA's VidCon but for London) so that Alex could talk on the Gender panel and the LGBTQ+ panel. They were fantastic, as I know since Jake was sweet enough to record it all.

But there was an interesting point in one of the panels. All the speakers were asked how they came to terms with their identity that wasn't through Youtube, because not everyone had it around, and we weren't all lucky enough to find the It Gets Better project early on.

These two were idols for me, to be honest.

As everyone answered this, I was thrilled to see so many people mention Willow's story in Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Moony, too, cited this as one of her first introductions.

I think it's safe to say this was a strong leap in TV history, and it properly portrayed the relationship delicated and professionally. I love Willow.

But here's the thing. I've never actually mapped out my own story. Sure, I lived it, but I've not experienced it in retrospect, and that seemed like a fun experience, the results of which are certainly interesting. So here, let's talk about how I came to be the queer little creature I am today. It's basically a picturesque thing, full of photos of the things I'm talking about to make this massive post a little less boring for you. So just enjoy looking at the gay things and the neutral beings.

Lorcan's Big Gay Journey

It starts at age nine. I discovered Doctor Who and fall in love straight from the reintroduction of it to British TV in May 2005. This opened up everything, but most importantly, at the time, was the gay kiss in The Parting Of Ways, the season finale for Christopher Eccleston's era.

At the time, I didn't see anything wrong with it, Jack had just kissed Rose, and now he kissed the Doctor. Makes sense, right? I was completely unaware that this was a big deal. But watching back, the introduction of Captain Jack Harkness was a gift. Boom Town remains one of my favourite episodes, simply because of how unabashedly gay the show let him be, probably at showrunner Russel T Davie's request. I very recently cleared his original series Queer As Folk in like two days flat, and I'm so proud that an openly incredibly gay man got to run Doctor Who for several years. Thanks, Britain. But Moffat was a mistake. No, wait, this isn't a post about him.

So I let that go, moved on with my life, then realised Torchwood was on TV, an evening re-run. I knew it starred my favourite side character, and convinced my mum to let me watch. I was maybe 11? I'm sure sci-fi fans remember the beautiful fight scene in the season two opener Kiss Kiss Bang Bang that ended exactly how we all wanted it to in front of a fire light on a screensaver. Cute.

And hey, look, it's Spike from Buffy! My queer heart could never stray far.

My memory of this episode is only this scene. I was sat so close to the tv I could see the different colours in every pixel, and they were fighting, it was intense, then suddenly two men were kissing? Somewhere between that Doctor Who episode and my discovery of Torchwood, my mind was opened, and I knew this was a risky move. I learnt then that Torchwood is like the adult alternative to Doctor Who, like Sarah-Jane Adventures is a gentle introduction for the little ones. I shouted for my mum and couldn't stop thinking about the kiss, even though I didn't watch the show again for a long time.

Then, probably about 2010, I stayed over a friend's house, and she had Torchwood on her TV. We'd just watched Eden Lake, we were kinda shook up, and she suggested it might chill us out a bit. That's when I met Ianto Jones, my first honest love. It's dumb, considering my options and all, but I was besotted. Imagine my innocent surprise when Jake kissed him in Cyberwoman, and episode based around Ianto's cyber girlfriend.

I can sense a pattern here.

Only looking back like this do I realise how important to my alternative education the existence of John Barrowman is. Seriously. But this is when it really started.

By this time, I think I was old enough to be totally sure that this was a big deal, this was personal, this made sense to me in a way other things rarely did. Over time, I succumbed to pressure and discovered the seedy underworld of fanfiction, known as fanfiction.net. For a while, I simply read cute stuff about these two, but then, one fateful day, I found an M Rated fic, the adult kind, and around chapter six I realised they were having sex, right before my screen, in a detailed form I didn't understand. Words I'd never connected to sex of any kind were being used, and I was so lost, I'm pretty sure I cried, while still trying to read it. Yeah, let's all spare a moment to coo at little baby Lorcan and his innocence. Now, I can write hardcore smut and feel fine about it. I'll write another post some time about how important fanfiction is to my own self discovery, because that deserves it's own place.

So it seems everything in my life comes back to Barroman. Never has that gif been better suited to a post. 

From fanfiction and Torchwood - including Torchwood magazine, with a beautiful cover that I still own and sometimes weep over thanks to the false hope it gave me - I made a friend that owned several seasons of a little US remade series called Queer As Folk. I don't even know where to begin with this one, because it meant so much to me, and I had to sneakily watch it with headphones in the evening so my parents didn't see the hardcore gay sex I was watching. It wasn't porn, there was genuine plot around the episodes, but any show that has multiple sex scenes one episode in, including an underage boy discovering rimming from a man in his late twenties, is going to be difficult to explain to the parents at 14 years old while identifying as female asexual.

Queer As Folk is an important series to me, because there's so much diversity. Brian Kinney, the guy in the middle, is just perfect, everyone wants him. If you don't know the series, I fully advise you dedicate time to it.  This series was the first time I felt like I was included in a big thing, the gay thing, and I was completely happy about it. I felt like I'd found a place where I belonged. But still, I was identifying with the guys rather than the girls. This is when I think I started really questioning.

I discovered Tumblr not long after. I was into Sherlock at the time, massively, and I found this kid with some great fanart crossing over with Doctor Who (look how connected it all is). This kid, now identifying as genderless and by the name of Red, at the time was "genderqueer" in their description.

Red had a complete tag full of information about gender identities, and it was the first time I'd ever realised there was a chance that I wasn't feeling weird because I was crazy, or stupid, or exaggerating. It was the first time I felt comfortable, and like maybe I was getting somewhere. 

Around the time I started talking to Red about coming out to my parents, I got my first haircut. I used to have it halfway down my back, but when the lady asked if I was sure I wanted it so short, I couldn't say yes fast enough. They said my parents would be okay, which was a fucking lie, but they didn't know that, and I massively appreciate their helping me. 

I started identifying as genderqueer, and felt I needed to be in the trans* category, and I chose the name Zak. Around this time, I rediscovered John Barrowman, to nobody's surprise. I have a strong memory of spending every morning listening to his cover of I Am What I Am in my earphones on repeat while I sat at my laptop writing stuff before school. It got me in a good headspace, and I think it's a habit I need to go back to soon. 

From here, I had a two year gap of no exploration, thanks to parents, but then Chase Ross came into my life through youtube. Up until here, youtube had no impact on who I saw myself as and understood myself to be.

This is Chase as I like to think of him, back with the scruffy cute hair, the trans* flag in the background, fresh from his Ellen show, on T pre surgery. He's basically one of the reasons I feel so comfortable not wanting lower surgery, and he taught me that there's no such thing as being "trans* enough". The path you take is yours to choose, and nobody can take that from you, or should feel like they can tell you how to transition in a way you're not comfortable with. 

Since he got top surgery he's changed, and I'm no so happy about his message, but these days, back in this room, I appreciate them and cherish them.

I found a lot of other youtubers through Chase, including the FTM Transtastic video blogs, and personal vlogs through that, and again, seeing a wide spectrum of people helped me feel a little less on my own. I'm a little embarassed that I didn't find Alex, to be honest. He was right there the whole time, right when it would have been great to know he was there, and I completely missed him. Sorry, man. At least it meant I didn't freak out when I met you and cry about how important you are to my individuality or something? You know I would have done that.

how does this fetching genderless thing
exist

We also need an obligatory mention of Ivan, of course. We met on my sixteenth birthday in a chat room, and have gone through a lot with each other's help. I can't praise this loser enough, and I'm glad we met, I'm glad we talk a lot and that we've learnt a lot about ourselves through really complex discussion or fanmixes for each other. Truly, he's maybe my best friend - Moony, you're my fiancee, you know you win all the things - and I adore him. 

It's always nice to actually befriend people like him, because it serves as a personal reminder that I'm not suffering these things on my own, or because I'm overreacting to things. Sure, Moony does all that can be done, but like I can't properly sympathise when there's a day of bad anxiety, we can't intimately understand everything. I'm a little relieved, because I'd never really push transgenderism onto anyone by choice. It isn't easy.

 AJ is a cutie

Since then, it's just been a long journey of discovery that I'm still working on. I started talking to YA Author AJ Amaro, who is really sweet and easy to connect with, and we keep in touch, loosely. Every now and then I go to their page and check up on things, coo over their relationship and cats, and generally feel like I'm so happy for them that I can't possibly feel bitter about how far in transition they might be.

I feel like talking to trans* people in all areas of the spectrum and all walks of life has really helped me out, and given me a broad view of how 

things can be for me. I've had the chance to pick my identity with the help of seeing how others choose to portray theirs. 

I'm glad I know these kind of people, even if we don't talk, because it really helps me out to know I can fall back on people if I need to, and that there are actually nice people in the world rather than the elitists that we all get warned about. I've luckily never interacted with any myself, but given that I have a move to Brighton coming up, I feel it's only a matter of time before I might have my first angry queer sighting.

literally my favourite scene in Different For Girls

I think as well as all the serious aspects of transitioning, of the path to finding yourself, and all the heavy stuff that comes with it, it's important to seek out the things that help you feel good about yourself, too. Again, Different For Girls does this. It's the opposite world, given I'm not MtF, but it's heartwarming to see this awkward guy (oh Rupert Graves) struggle to accept this his best friend is a beautiful woman now, and try to make her feel comfortable whenever he can. Things like this film remind me that it isn't all doom and gloom, and I can actually have a good time while learning who I am, which is an ever growing process, I can assure you. 

Over the years, I've been blessed with so many chances to expand my understanding and smash down what gender means to me, and I'm glad that it keeps being a wonderful place for me to be, when I feel like I need a little support, I have all these resources to keep me strong.

I might do an update one day, on this. Because it's been really interesting to look at my life like this, and actually realise where my roots are, so to speak. I hope I can convey my thanks to John one day, even though I probably won't.